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Why I Unfriended You

Remember a time when you didn’t have to tell everyone every stupid thought that goes through your head? That time before you didn’t have to worry that you wouldn’t get a job because you have that one album of pictures of you blacked out from your 21st birthday?

Some people do some things on Facebook that really, really piss me off. By some, I mean mostly girls, and if you really need that mental picture, it’s usually fat girls that go tanning too much and are extremely high maintenance. Here are a few things that will get you unfriended faster than a girl untags herself from an ugly picture.

Your New Tattoo Sucks

I always imagine people out there who are just waiting for a close blood relative to die so that they can get a tattoo with their date of birth and death date on it. Sometimes I wonder if they start the tattoo before the person is actually dead, like a tombstone, and then when they finally kick the bucket, their first stop is the tattoo parlor. “Is it cool if we redirect the funeral car procession into the red light district so that I
can finish this tat?”

We All Know You’re Fat

So tell me, how many times did you have to reposition your webcam until that fat fold is concealed? No one needs to know what you look like that day, if we wanted to know, we’d call you and invite you to hang out.

Boyfriend / Girlfriend Kissing Photos

Next time you see one of these photos, imagine the two possible situations that would allow for this photo to be taken. The first is the most awkward, they have to go and ask some random person to snap a photo while they pucker up. The second is almost as awkward, because one person has to hold their arm out and snap the photo and you can tell that their eyes are looking to the side to make sure the camera is positioned correctly and not at their crotches. I wonder how long the negotiations take before the guy gets his balls back after this photo is taken. He probably has to bargain with her and go down on her for a week just to get testes out of the jar she keeps hidden in the closet.

Adding Stupid Text To Your Photo / Instagram

Instagram makes you look instantly stupid. You aren’t a photographer, and if you are, you picked a really shitty major that doesn’t properly prepare you for your real career, serving coffee. If you put some stupid Marilyn Monroe quote with your picture such as, ““I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” This should be a giant red flag that this girl has a period that lasts two weeks and 2 gallons of ice cream in her freezer. Citing quotes doesn’t make you smart, it just means you know how to copy and paste, which I think I’ve seen a special ed kid do.


You had a bad day? Hurry up and go to Facebook and post an extremely vague status so that the 2-3 people who actually care a little bit about you go, “ARE YOU OKAY GIRLIE?? CALL ME!!!1”. You know what I do? I hit “Like” and then I sit there with a smug look on my face because my day just got that much better.

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