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Parenting Tips for Single Moms From A Bachelor

Kids are a lot like animals. They need to be caged, fed on a schedule, disciplined, and of course kept on a tight leash. That being said, there a few things you need to know.

1. Babysitters Are A Waste of Money

Before you drop a bunch of money on a babysitter (I think the going rate is like $10 an hour), just find a large refrigerator box and put your kid inside it with a box of 512 crayons. They’ll be entertained (and confined to a small space) for several hours while you do as you please.

2. Stay Out of Restaurants

When I go to a nice restaurant and begin relaxing with a gin and tonic, I don’t want to hear your child’s rendition of a murder scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If you can’t keep your kids quiet, leave them in the car. If it’s hot out, just roll down the windows a little bit and give them one of those mini motorized fans. Problem solved.

3. Bad Grades Build Character

Those kids that always get A’s are going to roll through life thinking they are in control. They aren’t, none of us are. A few F’s here and there will teach your child that it’s okay to fail. When they bring home an F on a test, put it on the refrigerator with a gold star. Not everyone can be a scholar.

4. Don’t Pack Their Lunch

Your kids are going to need to wake up and smell the flowers eventually. Let them pack their own lunch, because in 18 years when you’re having empty nest syndrome, they’re going to need to fend for themselves. If your kid wants to pack a paper bag full of chips, let him. Diabetes is just a statistic, like your child.

5. Never Hit Your Kids...

With a closed fist. Always use the backhand technique otherwise you’re going to be getting a few phone calls from concerned know-it-alls. You know those girls that like getting spanked during sex? That fetish comes from being punished as a kid… so if you have a daughter you might want to just stick to verbal abuse.

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