No, this wasn’t a scene out of a movie. This really happened. I wish this country had another cool bank robber to look up to. Someone who gives back to the community, bangs a bunch of really hot chicks while hiding out in their studio apartments, and carries a tommy gun. He would probably be a cigar aficionado, too.
A little more info:
"Police Department spokesman Cmdr. Andrew Smith said it appeared the suspects threw the money in hopes of drawing people into the roadway to block the pursuing patrol cars. "A lot of people came out their houses, they saw this on TV, they saw that money was being thrown," Smith told KNBC-TV.
Several hundred people gathered around the deputies during the dangerous moment of arrest. "I think one of the folks told me that they thought there was more money in the vehicle and maybe they were hoping to get a little bit of that," Smith said.
The incident began about 35 miles northwest of downtown Los Angeles in the suburban Santa Clarita area where four men committed an armed bank robbery, Los Angeles County sheriff's Capt. Mike Parker told KCAL-TV.
The robbers fled south by freeway and en route two robbers bailed out of the SUV in the Sylmar area of the San Fernando Valley. One suspect was taken into custody there Wednesday afternoon but the other remained at large.
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EvilChili's Bank Robbery Guide
Before you begin reading, please start playing this song:
We decided that the bank robber this country needs may just be a reader of EvilChili. That being the case, we put together a guide for how to correctly rob a bank and win the respect and dripping desire of women around the country.
Use A Cool Car
No one wants to see you racing around town in a leased Kai with a “Baby on Board” sticker on the back. No, they want to see you in an old Camaro with racing stripes. They want to see you peel out around corners and be so arrogant as to not even bother with State Governed Emissions Testing.
You Need A Trademark Mustache
When women watch you being run down by thirty cop cars on television, they’re going to see that mustache and wonder what sort of miracle work it can do. Then when you’re on television, you can say “I moustache you a question, but I’m shaving it for later”, and women will realize that you have a sense of humor, too! Hell, maybe this new bank robber rescues kittens and helps his neighbor jumpstart their car.
Be Generous And Only Rob The Bank
When a bank gets robbed, the government or a fancy insurance policy steps in and helps them recover those losses. The old lady wearing her $10,000 wedding ring from the 1930’s doesn’t need to add to your loot. Rather, just rob the bank. When you get approached at a bar, just use a line from John Delingers book and when they ask what you do for a living say, “I rob banks for a living, what do you do?”. Think about it, the greedy banks and fatcats got away with bankrupting this entire country and no one is mad at them because the government BAILED them out.
Throw Money Out The Window
You’re going to want to get as many people on your side as you can. Be prepared to invest at least $1,000 per heist in throwing money out the windows. Save the other $20,000 in one dollar bills for the strip club. If you somehow end up with rolls of quarters, use that at the strip club too. Strippers love when you hit them in the eye with a quarter.
Women on Overpasses
You’re going to want to plan ahead. Pay at least 50 women to stand on the various overpasses you plan to race under while in persuit with signs cheering you on. The signs should say stuff like, “You’re Good At Driving Cars!” and “I’d pump your gas for free!”, the media will eat it up and more people will follow suit.
As for the actual robbing a bank part, that’s where our expertise gets a bit hazy. The only thing I have ever robbed is a girl of her virginity, so I can’t say I have much to offer in regards to advice. I guess watch a few movies and you can piece it all together. Just remember that panic button!
EvilChili does not condone or encourage bank robbery. It is illegal. This is satire. I doubt you're reading this. I'm drinking coffee and naked.