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Animal Abilities I'd Love To Have

My parents probably began to worry I was retarded when for a 2nd grade assignment; we were supposed to write about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wrote that I wanted to be a cheetah. Having a top speed of 70 MPH would make me a lot like a Scion or Kia!

A Panda Bear



Having the ability to do absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and bang a cute female is pretty appealing to me. So you gained 20lbs in one month? Don’t worry about it, the fatter you are as a panda, the cuddlier you look. In today’s society, if you get fat you mine as well start growing your neckbeard and subscribing to gaming magazines.

An Ants Super Strength



Did you know that an ant can pick up something four times its own body weight? I could take up a career as a replacement courtesy scooter. I’d just put the fat old person on my back and give them a piggy back ride around Walmart. I’m sure a $5.00 tip would be tossed to me at the end of that.

Birds Can Fly



I saw this documentary on Animal Planet and found out that birds can fly. I was like, woah, what a unique ability. I had a cousin who flew once. It was a huge deal, made the city paper and he got all sorts of media attention. He flew through his windshield at 65 MPH on a highway and careened into a tree. If you ask me, he is a bit of an idiot because he should have aimed his direction at something less hard than a tree, like Oprah. He would have had a soft landing in a fat fold (and probably would have found some chips and snacks in there, too).

Dogs Can Lick Their Own Balls



This one is actually not that far from impossible for us humans. I heard that is why guys are joining yoga classes now (that and the yoga pants have a certain appeal to them).Who needs an opposite sex when you can get the job done yourself.

Chameleons Color Changing Abilities



I’ve often found myself listening to a ‘Two-Pack’ album and jamming out to “Brenda’s Got A Baby” in the car and suddenly the neighborhood changes and I have to turn down the music and take my du-rag off. Imagine if I could just simply become a black person? My friends on Facebook would go up 200% and it would be socially acceptable for me to rock my Michael Jackson tapes when I’m in a rough part of town. Then if I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, all I have to do is switch back to Caucasian mode and get out of it. It’s perfect.

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