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The Five People You Meet During Election Season

It's that time again. Football season! Thank God. Also it's that other time of year, the shittier one when everyone becomes really shitty and says shitty things and behaves in shitty ways and generally just acts shitty.

It's time to decide who we are going to elect as the next President of the United States, and as always, everyone has something to say about. Unfortunately, most of the things that people have to say are annoying and uninformed. So, rather than engage in a productive discussion of the issues, we're just going to talk about all the people who annoy us every four years. People like:

The Meme Machine

This person, rather than studying political science or reading reputable newspapers, finds that the best way to develop informed political opinions is to expose themselves to as many factually inaccurate memes as possible. What's this, George Bush said that the problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur? I must email this information to my family, friends, and basically anyone whose address I have. But wait, now I learn that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim? Why, this is going on the Facebook wall for sure. And hey, wait a sec, Mitt Romney was so immature during college that he used to impersonate police officers because he thought it was funny? The people must know about this!

The problem with all those memes is that none of them are true (ok, except for that last one). But that won't stop people who would rather believe something ridiculous about a political candidate than spend five seconds on Google verifying these memes from sharing them with everyone, ever.

The One Who Think's S/he's Above It All

It's no big secret that politics frustrate many people, mainly because as much as we would like to believe in the integrity of our candidates, the fact of the matter is, very, very few people get far in politics without participating in the kind of overwhelming douchebaggery that is reserved solely for, well, politicans. It's understandable that this might lead to cynicism on the part of voters.

But there's a line between "I'm sick of politics" and "I don't care about politics, and neither should you, because it's all a futile, pointless game, like Monopoly, or Star Wars Monopoly." Ok, you don't want to vote. That's your decision to make. Just don't mock others for actually caring about this stuff.

The Doomsayer

It's a sad truth, buth for the most part, in a conversation about politics, the person who makes the most ridiculous, asinine, completely baseless claims tends to be the one who most people pay attention to. Why do you think Fox News remains popular, despite being a complete mockery of legitimate news? Because the people on Fox are not there to inform you, they are there to entertain you, and if they convince grandma that their lies are actually true, oh well, they get to collect their paycheck while you have to listen to someone who never got over the Red Scare try to convince you that Obama is simultaneously incompetent, a socialist, and the Antichrist incarnate.

As such, during election season, you'll often get people on both sides who claim that if the opposing candidate gets elected, America will fall to ruin. Liberals will say that conservative foreign policy will result in all the other countries on the planet joining forces to just get rid of us once and for all, conservatives will say that liberals will leave us open to attack, and religious people will say that if we let gays marry, God will just up and destroy the country, because apparently they believe that God has as much anger control as a drunk bigot.

The sad thing is, you probably know people who are like this. And those people probably believe everything they are saying.

The One Who Takes it Personally

There's a reason why we don't like to discuss politics at the dinner table: because everyone has a different opinion. And why does everyone have a different opinion? Because this shit is complicated, and just as there are plenty of good points to be made, there are also plenty of poor points. Rarely in politics is there one right answer. Most reasonable people understand this. They support a candidate because they think s/he is the right person for the country. They don't know if s/he is the right person, though.

But there's always that one person who thinks that their political opinion is one hundred percent correct. They don't understand why they shouldn't share it, since, the way they see it, there is no way they can be wrong, so they are merely doing the world a service by letting everyone know the truth.

So, when someone shockingly disagrees with them, they can't take the dissent. They will unfriend them on Facebook, cut off communication with them, and generally just continue to be as close-minded as they always were.

As always, this happens on both sides. Liberals are reading this right now and thinking that only conservatives do it. Conservatives are reading this right now and thinking that only liberals do it. Religious voters are reading this right now and wondering how anyone could ever vote against God's laws, because their god HAS to be the real one. Right?

The One Who Knows What They Are Talking About

Ok, to be fair, you're not likely to meet this person very often. And they don't really fit with this list, since, you know, they shouldn't annoy you when you do meet them. But hey, they deserve celebrating.

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