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Oh, This Country We Live In

We live in the United Freaking States, the best country in the universe, and yet we take so much for granted. Only in America can you walk into a Walgreens, get a flu shot, then buy an HIV test with a bottle of tequila in case you get bad news. Even better, you can get an entire days’ worth of calories from just one meal at McDonald’s! Talk about efficiency eating.

Next time you black out and can't remember all the crazy antics you did the night before, you can use a helpful tool to help bring back a few memories! For just $49.99 you can throw a drug test in your cart that will remind you what drugs you ingested during your last black-out-drunk-orgy. Benzodiazapenes? Opiates? Oxycodone? Marijuana? Maybe after all those come back positive for testing you will remember that you also got laid! Sadly, rape kits aren't sold at Walgreens...

In this country, being fat is a disability and rather than parking like a normal person, you can get the first spot right up front then quickly shuffle your fat ass to a courtesy scooter and ride that sh*t side-saddle, as you dump shelves worth of Pizza Bites into your cart.

Why stop there? Want to join a fun and active community that has nightly bonfires, shopping carts full of possessions and enough stories and needles waiting to be swapped to fill up a library and an industrial size garbage bin? Just visit an underpass in New Orleans.

So you’re a prankster? Just stop by Costco and buy an 8 gallon drum of ketchup so you can fill your entire bathtub, lay down, and scare the sh*t out of your roommates!

Stop through Tennessee and buy your liquor and gun ammunition at a drive-thru window. Not tall enough to reach the counter? Don’t worry, just buy a 2ft lift for your truck and get 6 miles to the gallon and 6 inches to your cock.

In Mexico they have bloody drug wars that kill thousands each year over the trade of marijuana, but just go to Colorado and be greeted by giant signs with hemp leaves advertising festivals. What’s that? You don’t know a drug dealer? Just look in the back of your newspapers for doctors ads with a marijuana leaf on it and give them a visit. Tell them you have no appetite and bad anxiety and whammy, you now have a card that gets you weed whenever you want, with no police hassle!

Can't get laid? Just go to Nevada where prostitution is legal. Don't try it in any other state though, you'll get thrown in jail and maybe even added to a sex offender list. Then your neighbors can pull up a map on the internet and look at your picture and what you did wrong and shame on you for not conducting your business in a State where it is legal.

Don’t forget how great this country is.

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