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10 Questions We Have About '50 Shades of Grey'

50 Shades of Grey, the latest hit in the Really Bad Literature genre, has been in the news a lot lately, partially because it seems to have tapped into the hidden desires of a large readership, but mainly because the news tends to be bullshit these days. Either way, we here at EvilChili are simply not likely to ever read this novel, given that life is short and we don't want to waste any precious time inflicting such horrible writing on ourselves. But, like all other curious outsiders, we do have some questions about the book; we think you might have the same questions. Questions such as. . .

1. So, are there like, vampires in this book? Or werewolves? There has to be, right?

2. Is it as smutty as we've heard? Because we caught a fairly elderly woman reading it at the beach the other day, and we just hope to God she wasn't imagining herself in any of those sexual scenarios. Gross.

3. Why?

4. People spending money on this do realize that they are wasting their hard-earned cash when they could just as easily read erotica for free online. It will likely be just as good as, if not better than, this novel.

5. Why does the cover look like it was created by a fifth-grader who just took a thirty-minute course in Photoshop? Is the purpose of the cover to lower our expectations for what is inside?

6. C'mon, there isn't really a character named Anastasia Steele in this book, right? That sounds like the name of some obscure hair metal band from the 80s, or like, the alias of one of the X-Men.

7. Is it more insulting to women than Twilight, less insulting, or just about the same?

8. How much money has the author made off of these books? Please let it be a low number. Like, we know it's not gonna be a low number, but just lie to us.

9. The people who read these books do realize they are objectively awful, right?

10. When will it end?

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