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Roger Clemens vs. Samuel Langhorne Clemens

Top of the morning, readers. While we here at Evilchili sit before our computer screens, pondering what part of the morning constitutes the "top," we see that Roger Clemens is still trending on the Internets, thanks to escaping the charge of perjury. To many, this is a triumph of justice right up there with the release of Nelson Mandela and the ending of Philadelphia. To others, it is yet another instance of a celebrity getting away with a crime because they can afford lawyers who have drowned their consciences in cocaine and hookers.

To the rest of us, it falls right under the Why Do We Care? file, but hey, apparently this is totally important stuff and not at all superfluous bullshit to distract us from the issues that really matter (war, gay rights, The Atlantic July 2012).

Now, if you wanted to make us actually care at all about this story, you'd resurrect Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain, aka One of the Best Writers Ever, aka Seriously Reread His Stuff It Is So Much Better Than You Remember, and pit him against Roger Clemens in a deathmatch. But since, according to scientists, that is apparently "impossible" and "stupid" and "get out of my office before I call security, and Jesus, sober up," we can only pit these two together in our minds.

Which we're totally about to. Here's some of the points we came up with which would determine the outcome of this awesome fight:

-Roger Clemens plays for the New York Yankees, a baseball team. Samuel Langhorne Clemens wrote A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. Reading a novel, or watching people throw and occasionally hit a ball. You decide which of those is more boring.

-Roger Clemens is a fairly unintimidating name. Langhorne is, on the other hand, probably the most badass word ever uttered. Seriously, it sounds like the name of a villain in The Lord of the Rings. That's why Clemens changed his name to Mark Twain. When a publisher received a manuscript by a guy with the word Langhorne as part of his name, his head literally exploded (citation needed).

-Samuel Langhorne Clemens was a brilliant wordsmith who could be a total dick with such eloquence that we called it genius instead of douchebaggery. Roger Clemens, on the other hand, only knows how to say, "Me no do steroids. Me promise. CLEMENS SMASH!!!!"

-Roger Clemens is probably more physically strong than Samuel Langhorne Clemens. Even though he totally doesn't do steroids, Samuel Langhorne Clemens is a corpse, and not a zombified one, so he's pretty weak.

-Samuel Langhorne Clemens possessed the greatest facial hair the world has ever known. Visually, he was an icon. Roger Clemens looks like what you'd get if you skinned an oversized teddy bear you won at a backwoods carnival.

-Samuel Langhorne Clemens is such a respected American institution that people were actually pissed off when folks tried to stop him from using the n-word so much. Let's just see what would happen to Roger Clemens if he said that word. Let's just see.

-Samuel Langhorne Clemens changed the shape and possibilities of American literature. Roger Clemens can only change the shape of his waistline.

So, yeah, Samuel Langhorne Clemens FTW.

Follow Joe Oliveto on Twitter @JoeOliveto1!

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