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A Preview of Everything We're Not Looking Forward To

When magazines like Entertainment Weekly run out of things to report on, they dish out a “special preview” issue which provides brief synopses of movies, television shows, and yes, even books which they know their readers are looking forward to consuming.

Well, it being Monday morning, and we here at EvilChili being neither Monday nor morning people, we thought we’d take a similar route with today’s article. However, rather than approaching the day with a spirit of optimism and enthusiasm, we thought we’d go in the opposite direction; instead of listing projects we’re all looking forward to, we’ve decided to provide a rundown of all the upcoming projects that we’d rather not pay much attention to.


Anger Management: This loose adaptation of the Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson film of the same name looks to follow in the tradition of its predecessor by being a piece of shit. Starring Charlie Sheen as Charlie Sheen – give the guy a break, it’s the only role he has the talent to play – it’s about. . .we don’t care. We don’t. We’re so indifferent towards this material that we can’t even be bothered to do a two-minute Google search to find out the specific ways in which it will suck. We do suspect that, like Two and a Half Men, it will feature a laugh track, poor writing, and approximately no funny moments per episode.

It will also, most likely, be a big hit.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: First thing’s first: we’re actually a little pleased that this film is coming out, if only because it will supposedly mark the end of the Twilight craze that has literally caused the average American girl’s IQ to drop ten points over the last few years (citation needed). On the other hand, it’s release also means that, for a brief period of time, we’re going to be reminded of this franchise’s existence. So yeah, that sucks.

Falling Skies, Season Two: Did anyone actually watch the first season? Did they? Well, whatever.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: We’re pissed off that this one is going to be pretty popular. Not Twilight popular, but, ya know, Snakes on a Plane popular. At the risk of sounding like Every Annoying Pundit Ever, American students are getting really freaking dumb. And we just can’t see this shit helping.

Madonna’s new CD: Does she even have a new album coming out? Probably, right? Whatever, we don’t care.

Lady Gaga: Just, in general. Like, we know that each and every week, we’re going to hear about her eventually, and we really, really don’t want to, so if she could just stop, like, we don’t know, existing in the public consciousness, that’d be great.

Mayan Doomsday: Not the actual Mayan Doomsday, the one that all reasonably intelligent people know isn’t going to happen, but the few weeks leading up to it, when every supposedly reputable news site, blog, and program will once again neglect reporting on the real stories so that we can instead read about the few crazy people out there who actually believe this crap. That’s gonna suck.

The Dark Knight Rises: Ok, ya see, hear us out. . .

. . .just kidding! That shit is gonna be so awesome, right?!

The Hunger Games rip-offs: The Hunger Games itself is an awesome franchise, but the inevitable rip-offs that will crop up in bookstores and, God help us, movie screens in the months and years to come are bound to be derivative shit that will make money solely because they will vaguely resemble something that was actually good. Kind of like what Bush was to Nirvana.

So, readers, we ask that you do your part and refuse to participate in these cultural events. You’ll be doing the world a favor.

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