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The Wisdom of Marky Mark

Although he has worked hard to establish a reputation for himself as a talented actor, starring in such films as The Departed and The Happening, for many of us, Mark Wahlberg will always be Marky Mark. While this tends to upset the notoriously volatile and terrifying actor, it should not; he stood as a symbol of old-school masculinity in a decade when our only other option for manly role models was Courtney Love.

Thus, in an effort to preserve his wisdom, we’ve compiled/made up a list of quotations in which Marky Mark dishes out advice on everything from love to life. Sit back, relax, pump out a few bench presses, and get ready for Marky Mark’s Guide to Everything.

Marky Mark on Relationships

Yo, listen up. Next to backwards baseball hats, women are probably my favorite thing in the world. Thing is, you gotta treat a lady right; you can’t expect to get her clothes off without buying her some dinner or like, I dunno, fucking beating the shit out of her ex-boyfriend or some shit. But the key to a long-lasting and fruitful relationship is to date a woman with big titties and a fine ass. Then when things get tough in the relationship, you can just look at those breasts and that ass and be like, oh, yeah, she’s mad hot. Can’t leave that.

Marky Mark on Health

It’s important to stay in shape, otherwise Calvin Klein won’t pay you money to get your picture taken in your underwear. That, and, I guess it’s like good for you and shit.

Marky Mark on Finances

You gotta get paid if you wanna get laid. Thing is, sometimes getting paid isn’t enough, so if you find yourself pissed off about your paycheck at the end of the week, then what I suggest you do is get yourself a baseball bat and jump up on some old dude walking down the street and make him give you his wallet. Repeat this process until you have a nice big wad of cash to carry around with you. Word.

Marky Mark on the Meaning of Life

Life means whatever you want it to mean. The path to true enlightenment does not involve studying what has come before, but rather envisioning what your unique contribution to the world will be. Me, I plan on banging so many broads that I’m remembered as the greatest lover there ever was. That’s my goal.

Marky Mark on Enemies

Don’t kill them, cuz that will get you in jail. But, ya know, learn the fine art of profanity and yo mama jokes, and let ‘em have it in a reasonably public place.

Marky Mark on Politics

In keeping with my last bit of advice, vote for whichever guy will be more likely to bomb the shit out of his enemies. Boom bitch.

Marky Mark on Music

I was part of a motherfucking group called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Even I know that I know nothing about music. Why would you ask me about that? You mocking me? You gonna be a little bitch like that? Huh? You, I’m talking to you! Don’t look around. No, no, I’m talking to you, man. You want I should beat the shit out of you? What? What? Think it’s funny to mock me? I’ll destroy you, bitch.

Marky Mark on Interior Design

Yo, you might not know this, but I fucking love me some good-ass interior design. After a long day work I like to come home, shoot some hoops, eat some Fruit Loops, and relax in a well-furnished room. I find that a nice oak coffee table is perfectly complemented by a poster of a big-breasted woman on the wall.

Marky Mark on Food

I’m a fairly traditional guy when it comes to food. I like to eat meat, potatoes, and my enemies.

Marky Mark on Meditation

Fuck that shit, I ain’t fuckin’ Deepak Chopra over here.

Marky Mark on Glee

No. No way. Not a chance. You know what you should watch? Entourage. That’s what you should watch. If you watch Glee, I will personally come to your home and smash in your TV with a baseball bat. Eat my dick.

Marky Mark on Santa Claus

Yo man how does he get to all the houses in one night? That shit’s impressive. You know I worked hard to get where I am and it looks like he works hard to, so I have a lot of respect for that man. Maybe we could do a film together some time.

Marky Mark on Casey Anthony

Blah blah blah my opinion blah blah blah twitter blah blah blah OJ blah blah.

Marky Mark on Pixar

Yo, they’ve made some of the most moving and thoughtful films of my lifetime. I’m hoping to work with them some day. I’ve got an idea for a movie they could adapt, with me in the starring role: The Little Engine That Could Suck My Dick.

Marky Mark on Marky Mark

There've been a lot of great men in history. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington. But, there's only been one Marky Mark, and Marky Mark can never die. I mean it. Straight-up, I'm immortal.

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