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Was 'The Little Engine That Could' Using Steroids?

These days, it seems as though just about every major athlete gets accused of using steroids, and while we would like to maintain the naïve innocence of children in circumstances such as these, odds are that some of our heroes have been juicing at certain points in their careers.

So, while it pains us to report on this issue, out of respect to the journalistic standards which EvilChili holds itself to “(if you were sober when you wrote this, it’s fit to print”), we must share with our readers a startling revelation that has been made known to us by an informant familiar with these events: it appears as though The Little Engine That Could was, in fact, using steroids when he pulled that train over the mountain.

This information comes to us from a broken-down boxcar who admits that during the glory days of the railroad, plenty of engines out there were consuming illegal fuels in order to enhance their performance. While icons such as The Little Engine That Could have historically insisted that they never ran on anything except pure West Virginia coal along with a hefty dose of good old fashioned American hard-work, this boxcar, who prefers to remain unnamed, tells a startlingly different story.

“Listen,” he tells us, downing a handful of antidepressants and chasing them with a shot of bourbon, “it was just accepted in the industry at that time, and the higher-ups made it abundantly clear to us that anyone who opened their mouth up about the issue was liable to ‘accidentally’ derail in a ‘tragic accident.’ We were asked to carry some heavy loads back in those days, before these damn airplanes came along and took all the action, and sometimes it was damn near impossible to get from point A to point B on time without a little something extra to keep you going.”

This guy knows what you're talking about.

When asked why he was sharing this information now, the boxcar had the following to say: “Man, I’ve been out of work for nearly a decade now. I’m just a hunk of rust out here in the junk yard. Squatters won’t even live in me. They use me as their bathroom. And I got too many bad memories. Some of those engines were honest guys, hard-workers who simply didn’t know any better, but The Little Engine That Could was just a selfish blue bastard who was in it for the fame. He never really believed in this business, he just wanted to make a quick buck and impress some women while he was at it.

“Sure, nowadays, we like to remember him as this humble young newbie who proved that where there’s a will, there’s a way, but do you know why you never heard about what happened to him after he pulled that train over the mountain? Because he damn well didn’t do shit after that. He retired, lived off that one success, and while the rest of us were hauling ass all over the country, he was bragging to anyone and everyone that he was the The Little Engine That Could.”

Dude even got his own movie.

The Little Engine That Could, who is currently enjoying his retirement in Miami, could not be reached directly for comment, although his publicist did release the following statement: “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

The significance of this response, especially in regards to our query (“Have you ever taken steroids?”) is, at this point, unclear.

As for the boxcar, he sticks to his story.

“Listen man, I got no reason to lie to you. Hell, if I was in it for the attention, you know I’d release my name. I’m telling you this because, whether we like it or not, the days of the American railroad are over, and it’s high time we admitted to some of our mistakes. The Little Engine That Could was no more than a drug-addled sex junkie who pulled one impressive stunt and then had the balls to become some sort of national symbol of determination and willpower. Give me a break.”

Shocking news, and yet another reason to lose a little of the faith we once had in our national heroes.

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