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The World Won't End on May 21

As many of you may have heard, the world is set to come to its end on May 21, 2011. While this gives me precious little time to check off all the items on my “Oh Shit the World is Fucking Ending” List—getting Hemingway-style drunk, running a marathon, killing Kevin Federline cuz, hey, no one will stop me now—we’ve also got to wonder if perhaps the people providing us with this information are the most reliable individuals out there.

Really? Why?

On the one hand, they’ve got enough cash to rent out a billboard on a rural highway—I know, I’ve seen one—which lands them in the esteemed social class of People Who Have More Money Than I Do, but on the other hand, after several hours of thoughtful consideration and analysis, it has occurred to me that they are Fucking Retarded.

See, they are relying on one dude’s mathematical interpretation of The Bible to arrive at this specific date, and if I’ve learned anything from reading a few pages of that particular book, it should never, ever be confused with a calendar. According to The Bible, the world is only a few thousand years old, human beings can live for millenia, and you could pile two of every animal in the world onto a boat without the entire thing sinking.

Not pictured: Science.

(Also, what’s with apparently serious archaeologists coming out every couple of years to say they’ve found Noah’s Ark? I might as well say I’ve stumbled upon the ruins of Castle Grayskull.)

So, right off the bat, we’re dealing with a source that is about as believable as an OJ Simpson.

But, there’s also another little question we have to deal with. Namely…what, exactly, constitutes the “end of the world”?

Surely Michael Bay holds the answer.

It seems like a pretty basic question to ask, and yet so few of the apocalyptic prophecies we’ve heard in recent years have ever bothered to address it.

Does the end of the world mean the end of all human life on the planet, or does it mean the end of all life in general? If a major disaster occurs and wipes out a huge portion of the human populace, what percentage of the population needs to be killed off before we can officially call it the end of the world? Is 75% of the world’s human population dying off a legitimate Amrageddon, while anything less is simply cause for Bono and friends to throw a benefit concert for the survivors of the Global Almost-Apocalypse?

What if there is one human being left alive? Does that make it the end of the world?

Also, what about animals? Or insects? Or the really small things—flagella, is it flagella?—that are like, fucking everywhere? Do all of those creatures need to die off for the world to be officially kaput? It seems mighty arrogant of us humans to assume that the world will fail to be worth acknowledging as something that exists if all of us are gone. Who is to say that with us out of the way, Ladybugs won’t evolve into giants, becoming the next dominant species on the planet?

(Aaaaaaand I know what I am having nightmares about tonight!)

And hey, while we’re at it, what about the Earth itself? Does the planet need to be physically altered in order for it to constitute the end of the world? Is it enough for all life, everywhere, to die off, or does the planet need to like, I dunno, blow up? Cuz, ya know, even with all of us gone, the world will still exist, and so it hasn’t actually ended. The tenants may have vacated, but the apartment didn’t disappear into oblivion. Ya know?

Anyway, with those questions in mind, we’re going to relax about all of this end of the world nonsense and take comfort in the fact that the people who are betting on the apocalypse being right around the corner are silly fools with delusions.

Oh, but the Mayans totally had it right. December 2012, shit's going down.

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