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Happy Birthday, Megan Fox! Here Are 10 Reasons We Should Stop Paying Atttention to You!

1.) You know, we know, it, and God knows it, because He knows everything (God is basically Wikipedia). You are a horrible actress. Sure, you can play the mildly arrogant, seductive type, but that is literally all that you can play. The only reason you have a career in Hollywood is because you are too hot to be a porn star. Speaking of which…

2.) Yeah, you’re good-looking, but in a generic, bland, lowest-common-denominator-twelve-year-old-boy-who-is-just-discovering-boners kind of way.


This is your target audience.


On paper, you’re perfect. In practice, you’re boring. You look like what would happen if some crazy ex-Nazi geneticist was given unlimited funds and asked to create the world’s most attractive woman. We might end up with someone like you, but we’d realize that unlike some of your peers—Kate Winslet, Carey Mulligan, Rachel Weisz—you don’t have a distinct personality to back up those good looks. But you know, you can’t control the fact that you look the way you do, so that shouldn’t matter, but it does because…

3.) You depend on your looks to get gigs. Now, it is a sad truth that there is an inherent sexism in Hollywood, and it is difficult to get roles as a woman if some decrepit producer doesn’t want to have sex with you, but there are plenty of very skilled women who have managed to hold on to their careers after their looks have faded due to aging and gypsy curses.


Willem Dafoe used to be a female model. True story, for reals.


You, however, are not one of them. You exist solely to play “hot” characters, and when you yourself are no longer hot, your career will be deader than Osama bin Laden. We all know it is inevitable.

4.) Speaking of those roles that you play, while some may argue that they are empowering—in Transformers you defied stereotypes by knowing a lot about cars, in Jennifer’s Body you were a literal man-eater—in the end, you are just perpetuating the objectification of women that is intrinsically linked to the male-driven industry that is Hollywood. Essentially, you play empty shells who exist solely so that the male audience can project their individual desires and fantasies onto you.

In other, less-douchey words, you play dumb, vapid characters, and we are starting to wonder if you are not dumb and vapid yourself.

5.) You were in Transformers. How do you sleep at night?


Hey, readers! Don't go see this movie.


6.) You seem to be easily manipulated. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a woman being comfortable in her sexuality and embracing that as a key component of her identity—from that conversation I had with that person who took that Women’s Studies class, that is apparently very liberating, like buying an Ani Difranco album or pretending to tolerate Bikini Kill’s music—but we get the sense that you are just playing along with what Hollywood wants. You appear in movies that ask you to be good-looking and appear in magazines behaving in such an overtly sexual manner that even an insecure high-schooler would be embarrassed for you.



You haven’t taken on any roles that have displayed new sides to your personality, haven’t pushed the enveloped at all. You’ve just acted the way dirty old men with dirty old penises want you to act.

7.) I have it on good authority (aka “Everyone Who Bothered to See It”) that Jonah Hex was a piece of shit. So, ya know, just saying…

8.) Let’s see, you’re hot in a boring way…check…you act in a boring way…check…your public identity is boring and predictable…check…oh, ok, you never seem to say anything interesting to the press. You must be really boring to interview. Word.

9.) Oh, wait, no, you have said that there’s nothing wrong with being a role model who is intelligent, strong-willed, and that there is nothing wrong with being typecast as attractive. All interesting statements, except that they seem to have been written up by some savvy PR person. You haven’t actually displayed any signs of major intelligence. You haven’t been as outspoken as you believe yourself to be. You, well…

10.) You suck.

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