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Ashton Kutcher Replaces Charlie Sheen on a TV Show That No One Should Care About

Given the recent antics of Charlie Sheen, it seems that as a byproduct, Two and a Half Men has also been in the news as of late. There has been much speculation as to whether or not Sheen would return to the program, or if another star would take his place while he spent his days totally not doing drugs but totally definitely doing attractive women with apparent self-esteem and/or mental deficiencies.

For a while, Hugh Grant was in the running—it seems the creators of this show just have a thing for men who like prostitutes—but they recently made the more sound decision of recruiting Ashton Kutcher for the show, since he certainly has no plans of sleeping with anyone attractive these days. Nor, we presume, will he be doing drugs, for fear that his parents might find out.

For fans of this show, it may not be the same without Sheen involved, but at least the series is heading back to TV. However, all of this begs the question…

…does anyone out there actually care about this horrible, loathsome, piece-of-poop show Two and a Half Men?

I’ll confess, I’ve never watched a full episode of the show, but that is because I like my sitcoms to have not only situations, but actual comedy as well, something which was sorely lacking every time I tried to sit through an episode of this series. On top of that, it is one of those shows which still relies on a laugh track, a major sign that even the creative team behind the camera knows that their show isn’t funny.

Seriously, try watching one of those shows without the laugh track. You wouldn’t even know it was supposed to be a comedy.

Also, try watching Schindler's List with a laugh track. See what happens.

And as far as I can remember, no one was too thrilled with Two and a Half Men in the past. It must have had decent ratings in order to hold on for all those seasons, but it certainly wasn’t the cultural icon that it is today, right? It was just another show that you kind of knew existed, and some dude at work was always trying to tell you how funny it was, but then you tuned in to it for a couple of minutes and, upon realizing that it most definitely was not funny, decided to ignore it and the guy who recommended it to you for the rest of your life.

But now, it has become permanently linked to our fascination with its former star, and I can only imagine that that will help ratings, not hurt them. People who had never had any interest in the show will suddenly be checking it out when it returns with Ashton Kutcher, simply out of curiosity.

This is no good.

Let’s face it, most TV shows sucks. For every The Wire, there’s a The Chicago Code. For every House, there’s a Grey’s Anatomy. For every It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, there’s a show that isn’t It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

As a person who wastes a considerable amount of his life in the front of the TV screen, I urge our readers out there to remain vigilant during this period of struggle. While the temptation to tune into Two and a Half Men may be strong in the coming months, I promise you that no good shall come of it. You certainly will not be entertained—you’ll find more effective comedy on The Food Network--and you will only be supporting a TV show that needs to die a horrible and unnoticed death.

Together, we may not be strong enough to bring this show down to the ground, but we may at least be strong enough to keep it from rising out of the ashes of Sheen’s insanity and moving forward as a Phoenix.

Seriously, guys, let’s just ignore this piece of crap.

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