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EvilChili's Money-Making Tips!

Yo yo yo capitalist comrades out there! This here’s is Joey Olives, EvilChili’s resident money man, here to tell you how you can turn your pipe dreams into cold hard cash. I know you want to live the good life, but like too many losers out there, you’re willing to just give up when you find out that it is too hard.


Eff that shiz, my man. Last year I made enough money to go on vacation 374 days out of the year! I was rich enough to defy the basic laws of physics! I spent my summer killing annoying tourists in a freaky hostel! It was da bomb! I got pics on Facebook!

And listen, it’s lonely at the top, so I’m here to tell you that I want you to be up here with me. I’ve put together some money-making tips to make sure that make your way to the upper echelon of the economic elite.

You’ll be snorting cocaine off the corpses of Malaysian infants in no time!

Sell Your Organs on the Black Market

You gotta understand, in the world of capitalism, you gotta find out what you’ve got that you can offer to everyone else, then turn those services into money. Now there is a crazy amount of need right now for good organs, and honestly, you ain’t using all of them, so why not spare some of your body for some dough? I personally sold a large portion of my brain last year for $24.99. Worth it!


Kill the People You Sold Your Organs to, and Reclaim Them

You got to be maximizing your profits, bro. Why sell a product once when you can sell it dozens and dozens of times? Now this may sound cold-hearted and evil, perhaps because it totally is, but you know that the kind of people who be buying organs on the black market ain’t exactly upstanding citizens to begin with, so you should have no problem capping them once they’ve paid up and reclaiming your organs to sell them once again. Gotta make that money!

Write a Young Adult Novel With Wizard-Vampires

Listen, if you’ve got a solid and original idea, like fucking sugar packets or some genius shit like that, I say you run with it, but most of us ain’t all that brilliant, so what you gotta do is follow in the footsteps of people who already scored some major cash.

So, ya know, them Harry Potter and Twilight books be selling like crack at a schoolyard, so what you need to do is write yourself a young adult novel that has characters who are both wizards and vampires! Boom! Move over, Billy Gates! There’s a new richest man ever in town!


Set Goals and Work Hard to Achieve Them

Just playin’!

Rob Dane Cook

Boy is rich, and let’s be honest here: no one likes him anymore. I’m pretty sure that if you were to rob him, even the cops wouldn’t give a shit, and it is their job to care about that kind of stuff. You could probably get away with it, so, ya know, it’s worth a shot.

Record an Album, Fake Your Death

Lots of popular music stars become way more popular after they die, so maybe what you should do is record an album—it doesn’t exactly have to be good—then make it look like you died in some tragic energy shot overdose or something like that. Start collecting those profits!

Start a Religion

Listen, if you promise people that you know the secret meaning of life and will be willing to reveal it to them , they’ll hand over their life-savings and their children just to hear what you have to say. Give it a try!

Worked for this guy.

Become Papa John

Those Papa John’s chains are on the rise. Pizza Hut is dying out (sucks), Domino’s is still more or less around (sucks), but Papa John’s is taking their place.

So you need to become Papa John. Do this however you see fit. Have a surgeon transplant your brain into his body. Maybe kill him and then wrap yourself in his skin. I dunno, but that man is gonna be a rich dude, and you need to take advantage of his good fortune.

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