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Lies I Will Tell My Eventual Children

You don’t need to be afraid of lightning. There is just a giant, hungry monster that lives in the sky, but it is more or less totally blind. When lightning flashes, those are like the only times that it can actually see anything. And since lightning doesn’t happen that often, you are probably fine.

Santa Claus was kinda disappointed with the cookies you baked last year, so this year’s gonna be a little slim. But hey, he still got you these POGs! Trust me, POGs are the shit.

I’m drinking apple juice.

Sure, sometimes the stork gets his deliveries mixed up. For all I know, you’re not even mine.

If you can get all your baby teeth out in one night, I’ll buy you ice cream.

No, you can’t play my X-Box. Call of Duty is for mature adults.

Every time you cry Daddy dies a little bit inside. If you keep it up I’ll be gone forever.

Disney World does not exist, ok? And Mickey Mouse is a pedophile.

Climate change is a major problem, but everyone takes it very seriously, we’re making great strides to change our ways, and I promise you that the world will not be completely destroyed by the time you are an adult.

Christopher Columbus as an all-around great dude.

Hey, that was a great throw, sport!

Only wusses ride a bike with a helmet, right?

Yes, there is a monster under your bed, and if you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom one more time he will eat you.

Ritalin is just a cooler version of the Flinstones chewable vitamins.

Going to Church every Sunday makes you a better person.

No, I’m pretty sure that you just got your ABCs wrong. Keep trying, though, you’ll get it.

This finger-painting is beautiful. I’ve never seem anything more spectacular.

Every family has Pop-Tarts for dinner. We’re completely normal.

The Easter Bunny gets hungry visiting all those houses. Occasionally he has to eat some of the kids he visits, but hey, we’ve managed to survive this long, right? We’ll be fine.

Wishing upon a star totally works.

Daddy has a great salary. You can go tell that to all your friends.

Hey, Mommy drinks some of those beers too.

But it turns out that despite his best efforts, the Little Engine simply faced an obstacle to great to overcome. While he made a sincere effort, the odds had always been stacked against him. Don’t worry though, because he really did his best. We merely live in an uncaring and empty universe in which success or failure relies largely on random circumstance.

Aladdin is a totally true story. In fact, if you rub any lamp and a genie doesn’t come out, that’s probably just because he doesn’t like you.

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