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Reasons We Finally Found Osama bin Laden

1.) With the Playstation network down, we really had nothing better to do.

2.) He started using Foursquare.

3.) He bought an iPhone. Doesn't he know those things track locations?

4.) The CIA got suspicious when they tracked the one TV in the world not tuned into the Royal Wedding on Friday.

5.) Even the Universe doesn't want Donald Trump to be President.

6.) In a Shyamalantastic twist, it turns out he was one of Mariah Carey's twins!

7.) Bin Laden gave himself in, because honestly, even he was a little curious to see how Fox would cover this story. Answer: The same way they cover every story: incorrectly.

8.) He, too, was working on an album with Kanye.

9. He is one of the bafflingly huge number of people who turned out to see Fast Five this weekend.

10.) Turns out he likes to live-tweet his entire life. Dude must have been attention-starved.

11.) He's the only human being on Earth who still makes his videos with VHS tapes. It wasn't that hard to track the purchase.

12.) The CIA blasted Rebecca Black's "Friday" into every single house in Pakistan until he couldn't take it anymore and came running out screaming.

13.) Because sometimes you just need a good, patriotic excuse to be hungover on a Monday morning.

14.) Jason Bourne? Turns out he's real. And real pissed.

15.) Because that fucker deserved to die a thousand times.

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