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Self-Help Books Someone Should Write

While the old saying, “Mo money mo problems” may indeed be accurate, I would assert that “mo money mo Xbox” and “mo money mo respect from my peers” are also valid economic viewpoints which are equally helpful in guiding one’s approach to life.

Thus, I spend a lot of my time looking for ways to increase my net worth, because while it is very kind of my parents to assure me that I’m worth more than money, it is very unkind of potential girlfriends to look disappointed when they discover that my income is slightly below that of a Herpes-Infected Prostitute and only slightly above that of a Kindergartener.

Being too dumb to create the next Facebook and too scared of prison ass-rape to sell drugs, I’ve had to make my living as a writer, and while it is always rewarding to spend time pouring my thoughts out onto the page, I find that not many people want to pay a whole lot of money for my thoughts.

However, they do seem to want to pay a lot of money for self-help books, probably because everyone is miserable and everyone is a sucker.

Pictured: Everyone

This industry is one that will never die, and so I think I’m going to make my move and get in touch with some publishers about potential self-help titles I can write the shit out of. Here’s a list of ideas I have in mind.

Grow a Pair: Testicular Fortitude and Coping With Life’s Stresses

Acclaimed Doctor* and Lover* Joseph Oliveto, author of such bestselling titles as I Want to Kill My Little Brother: Siblings and Homicidal Urges and The Babysitter’s Club #135, brings you this insightful guide to conquering all the struggles that life throws at you. Based on his revolutionary "grow a pair" philosophy, Dr. Oliveto stresses that in order to achieve happiness in life, one must follow the three steps that will assure complete confidence and mastery of living: 1.) Don’t be a Whiny Bitch, 2.) Seriously, Everyone Has Problems, Just Deal With Your Shit, and 3.) Grow a Fucking Pair.

By silencing your inner whiny bitch, you will learn that the only problems we have in life are those which we speak of. If we learn to stop talking about pointless bullshit, our lives will no longer be troubled by pointless bullshit. From there, you will be able to accept that you are not special in your unhappiness, allowing you to take control of your life. Finally, the book culminates in the ultimate teaching: the importance of just growing a pair of testicles and thinking “What Would My Balls Do?” when faced with struggle in life.

Turning Sorrow Into Sex

After spending a year embedded in the emo douchebag subculture, brave journalist Joe Oliveto has emerged to tell the world that sadness need not be a setback—if you are a dude, that is.

If you want to milk angst for all that it is worth, pick up a guitar, write a bunch of derivative songs with words like “torment” and “beauty” and “vindicated” sprinkled throughout the lyrics, then whip that shit out whenever attractive girls are near (and when I say “whip that shit out,” I am referring to your guitar, pervert) and start strumming some minor key melodies to make life’s little tragedies a little sexier.

This book won’t teach you how to cure sadness, but it will convince you that wallowing in sadness can get you laid.

Is Giving Up Really That Bad?

So many people in society seem to be depressed because all the conformists tell them that you are supposed to be seeking happiness. Well, guess what, maybe we’re blind to the fact that happiness is an overrated commodity created by greedy corporations who want to convince us to buy their iPhones and cleaning supplies.

There can be only one Steve Jobs.

But hey, maybe it ain’t such a bad idea to simply throw in the towel and take a break from the rat race of life. While everyone else is out there slaving away at jobs, relationships, and basic health-sustaining exercise, who is to say that you can’t find meaning in life by simply sleeping forever? This book explores how such activities as playing video games all day, every day, and just not giving a shit may be the paths to true fulfillment. Sometimes, it just takes too much effort to be happy.

Cheating Your Way to Success!

C’mon, let’s admit it: no one actually thinks that successful individuals earned their fortunes. No, as all of us poor folks know, the only people with money are liars and thieves and stuck up assholes.

Well if you can’t beat them or hide their bodies, might as well join them, right? Following in the footsteps of great writers like Dale Carnegie, I’ll lay out a five-step plan that will allow you to bullshit your way to a promotion, feign interest in your superior’s children, backstab your fellow employees, lie about everything, and cheat your way to the top.

If my principles are followed correctly, I promise that you can become a big enough douchebag to become President.

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