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Things That Don't Impress Girls on the First Date

Note: Some of these actually will impress a girl if she is cool and nerdy. They rock.

Don't try to impress a girl on a first date by telling her you are multilingual. It doesn't count if the other langauges you speak are Vulcan and Elvish. (Or Spanish. That doesn't count, either.)

Don't tell a girl that you are so psyched because all your friends wanted to bang her and now it looks like you are the one with the best shot. Oddly, she won't read it as the compliement that it is clearly supposed to be.

Your Yoda voice may be awesome (and it totally freakin' is), but that is best saved for the third date or the never date.

Hey, guess what, don't make jokes about Silence of the Lambs. Don't do it.

You can debate politics with a girl, so long as they are real politics. The politics of Middle-Earth DO NOT count.

Don't brag about yourself, especially if all you have to brag about is coming in second at your fourth grade spelling bee. (Who would have guessed that there's no "h" in "cello"?)

Don't mention the fact that some people think you look like Mark McGrath. One, you don't, and two, c'mon, who cares about Mark McGrath? Even his mother has probably forgotten about him.

You may think girls have sympathy fur guys who have struggled against disease, but it doesn't help if that disease is Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Herpes.

Dude, don't you dare say to a girl that you prefer Jay Leno over Conan O'Brien. Don't say that to anyone. What is wrong with you? How could you think such a thing?

It is ok to mention the fact that you are writing a book, so long as said book is not a work of Harry Potter fan-fiction. She probably is a Harry Potter fan (statistically speaking, it's very likely) but fan-fiction is for sad and lonely people who drink milk from the bottle. Fact.

Hey hey hey, no need to mention the fact that are slightly related to Hitler. Let's just treat that as a family secret.

If a girl compliments your muscles, don't mention the steroids. Mmmk?

Try to refrain from telling her that story about the time you were in an epic, five-hour long game of Risk. That's just generally sad and unimpressive.

Don't say "Hey baby, I'm big enough where it counts." Six Flags is not "where it counts." (Also, ya know, best not to make any penis-related comments in the first date. Probably.)

Having been a roadie for a band doesn't make for a cool story if the band was a Queensryche tribute band.

Hey, we're all sure that your experience with being abducted by a UFO was terrifying, but she doesn't need to hear that story, buddy.

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