Still, Eli Roth seems like a cool dude to chill with.
Similarly, while it is certainly enjoyable to spend an evening drinking red wine like a little kid drinks juice boxes, the next morning may range from “unpleasant” to “oh dear God I am so sorry for the sins which I have committed, please spare me this torment so that I might go and spend the rest of my days serving you. I learned my lesson! Please, make this unbearable suffering cease!”
Thankfully, EvilChili is here to provide you with some good old-fashioned hangover cures to get you prepped and ready for the day which awaits you, because seriously, we’re all about helping you engage in reckless alcoholic indulgence without suffering any of the consequences.
Hurt Yourself. Badly.
Pain can be a bitch (and emotional pain can turn you into a whiny bitch), but the funny thing about it is that any pain you're experiencing will seem to diminish when a greater form of pain comes along. Stub your toe, you notice that. Stub your toe, then get stabbed in the eye by some douchebag, and you’ll most likely notice the eye-stabbing more than you will notice the stubbed toe.
So, if you are suffering from a headache due to your Hemingway-shaming bender, simply fire up the iron and give yourself a nice burn right across the stomach. Say goodbye to that headache!
Finally, this thing gets useful.
Um, Keep Drinking?
Some may say this is unhealthy—primarily because it totally is—but ya know, the alcohol made you numb in the first place. Numb to social boundaries, numb to shame and regret, numb to the fact that your five year old son called you a failure and reduced you to unstoppable tears before fleeing with your ex-wife. So, simple math indicates that if you are feeling pain now due to a hangover, the best cure is to keep drinking, making yourself numb to that.
Unrelated, but funny, as it is supposed to be serious.
(Warning: continuing to drink may make you numb to all things. As in, dead.)
Hey, not all pain can be escaped, but it can be leveraged into making you seem like some cool zen master who will totally impress all the chicks at that yoga class you totally plan on going to one of these days. As a great monk once said, “Mindfulness meditation is all about accepting the present moment, no matter how shitty it may be. Like the pebble floating in the stream, you just gotta toughen up and deal with it dude.”
Wise words. So, rather than trying to escape your unbearably awful hangover, why not simply accept the fact that you have a hangover, and simply meditate without trying to ease the pain?
I mean, unless it’s like really bad. Even Buddha probably kept some emergency Tylenol around.
Go for a Nice Run in the Sun
If meditation ain’t your thing and you aren’t the kind of idiot who will burn yourself with an iron or keep drinking to make the pain go away, you could go for a run out in the heat. This may sound like it will make you puke, but that is kind of the point. By expelling all the toxins from your body (toxins=tequila), you are getting rid of that which is making you sick in the first place.
Hey man, trust me. This is science.
Purge Your Pain on Paper
Anyone who has spent time studying literature knows that 99% of famous writers are raging alcoholics. That is why their characters all drink whiskey like it’s water and pour Kahlua on their Cheerios. So, ok, while this may not exactly cure your hangover, it will totally make you a respected author, like a Faulkner or a Grisham. Just type up a depressing story, send it out to the New Yorker with a cover letter explaining that this was written “in the wake of my inebriation,” and you’ll be on your way to literary stardom in no time.