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Indie Bands I Will Start to Attract Cute Girls

I have a love/hate relationship with so-called “hipster” girls. On the one hand, I hate the fact that the hipster subculture exists so that people with low self-esteem can seek out shitty bands and feel cooler than all of us because they listen to a group that his literally three fans (two of which are the lead singer’s adopted parents).

Honestly, if you are older than seventeen and you still care about being cool, you are officially a failure at everything.

On the other hand, I love the fact that some hipster girls look like this.

And this. . .

Add to that the abilities to sing, play an instrument, and beat me when we watch Jeopardy! every night, and I’ve found my dream girl.

So, while I may be sacrificing everything I believe in, I think that I need to start the kind of band that will attract the attention of one of these beautiful young women. After reading Pitchfork for three hours straight, well, I cried, then laughed, then wondered if it was possible to OD on multivitamins, then decided I wouldn’t give up on human beings just yet, then cried myself to sleep.

But the research was worth it, because now I know exactly what types of bands these people pretend to like, and I’ve listed a few potential projects below that I hope to begin work on.

(Side note: since these bands are so obscure that at this moment they only exist in my imagination, if you tell people that you listen to one of them, you’ll be the coolest kid this side of Brooklyn.)

Here we go. . .

The Hungry Hungry Hipsters

While we may lose some credit for coming right out and telling people that we are hipsters in the name of our band—hipsters themselves tend to avoid actually associating themselves with the social group to which they clearly belong, only because they think it makes them sound like they are trying too hard—we will gain immense cred for refusing to play our songs on anything aside from toy instruments designed for children ages 5-8. The irony will be that all of our songs will be about such lurid subject matter as S&M, bestiality, and Courtney Love.

This is what happens when God gets drunk.

Orson Welles and the Citizen Kanes

This group plays techno-punk via soundcore mixed with a touch of noise-chug all presented in a more palatable folk-metal package. Our quirk (these hipster bands gotta have their quirks) will be the fact that none of us actually know how to play our instruments. We simply programmed our songs via a computer and then appear on stage and hold instruments in our hands while the MP3s of our tunes play through a PA system.

Borders Broken

I will assume the moniker of “Sir Mix-A-Lot” and gather a group of illegal immigrants to perform with me each night. My particular brand of music is “dubstep” (personally I’m still trying to figure out what the hell that even means) but I will distinguish myself with an interesting stage show that will also serve as a piece of socially conscious performance art that will totally get me laid.

And I'll dress like Andy Warhol to drive home the fact that I suck.

See, all of my illegal immigrants will have to dance to the beats I program, and at the end of each song, whoever danced worst will be tapped by an INS agent and deported. I’ll deport women, children, burn victims, I don’t care. I’m making a statement, dammit.

The Spider Children Will Rise Again

We will sing German folk songs in high falsetto while an unemployed friend of ours reads his shitty poetry in the background and another unemployed friend of ours also stands in the background calling little old ladies and telling them that they’ve just won $1 million dollars, then telling them they simply need to kill all of their grandchildren to claim their prize.

We’re also making a statement, like, about the inherent absurdity of modern living as seen through the eyes of ancien culture blended with the morals of modern society and shit how much longer do I have to bullshit before you are convinced that I’m a sensitive and visionary artist?

Van Hailin’

We play shitty 80s pop-metal. But, like, we’re ironic about it.

The Moving Company

Constant guitar feedback. We listened to Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music and thought we should do something similar. We’re not that smart, but other people who are not that smart but kind of wish that they were that smart will listen to our music and be convinced that they are that smart because only people who are smart enough to appreciate the statement we are making would like this type of music.


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