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A Very Scholarly Article About Frat Boys

The following scholarly article is from the future—the year 2346, to be exact. It was published in the journal Anthropolsociolinguistics Quarterly by Professor Francis V. Herbert after he participated in an excavation at the site of a former university.

Fraternal Organizations and Celebratory Rituals of our Ancestors

The following article is based upon my experiences last fall, when I was on sabbatical from my Professorial duties and joined a group of colleagues excavating what appears to have once been an institution of higher learning. While the dig yielded an abundance of interesting discoveries—several of our ancestors apparently worshipped at the altar of a deity they referred to as “Bob Marley”—I wish to dedicate this paper to the study of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, a fraternal organization which, based upon its name, appears to have modeled its culture around the traditions of the ancient Greeks, focusing primarily upon their Dionysian celebrations.

From what we have discovered so far, it is clear that this organization emphasized the significance of ritual—a calendar we have retrieved from their base of operations suggests that they held frequent festivals for such diverse and esoteric occurrences as “The Super Bowl,” “4/20,” and “This Is The Day I’m Gonna Bang the Shit Out of That Blonde Ho From Calculus.” (Although I am unfamiliar with the importance of these dates, my colleague suggests that the last one may have referred to some form of a fertility ritual.)

During these festivals, the “brothers,” or “bros,” as they referred to themselves, would imbibe greatly of alcohol, obviously as a tribute to their alcohol god, Jack Daniels. They would also host tournaments not unlike the Olympic Games, in which contestants would participate in such sports as something called “Beer Pong” to demonstrate their athletic prowess to one another. Further displays of skill involved pouring copious amounts of alcohol into a funnel and consuming it as quickly as possible without suffering from any adverse health effects. Clearly, this competition was designed to illustrate the masculine worth of the participants by displaying their ability to tolerate alcohol.

The overall goal of these festivities appears to have been related to sexual ritual. The men in these fraternal organizations celebrated their natural virility and appeased the gods by coaxing their female companions into consuming alcohol and engaging in intercourse with them. This also allowed the organization to develop a hierarchy—whichever member seduced the most women or mated with the most attractive partner was forever respected by his fraternal community.

Uniforms were also of great significance to the brothers. Photographs indicate that they wore backwards baseball hats and sandals. A fellow scholar of linguistics suggests that in their day, this attire would have associated them with the social class referred to as “douchebags”—obviously this society developed a highly structured caste system which we have yet to fully understand. Suffice it to say, people of the time must have been very fond of these douchebags.

Also, they listened to a lot of Dave Matthews Band.

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