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EvilChili's Traditional Irish Recipes for St. Patrick's Day

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick’s Day, the day of the year when those of us who have literally 1/16 Irish heritage—or, ya know, like Flogging Molly or the occasional Guinness—“celebrate” our “heritage” by wearing green shirts and drinking green beer and vomiting green vomit and giving out free green cards (I hear that last part actually isn’t a tradition, but it should be).

Under the "Sex" category for this guy, they should have put "offender."

Now, what you may not know about us here at EvilChili is that we are master chefs. We kick Emeril down a notch, we slay Bobby Flay, we are very attracted to Giada De Laurentis…and we’d like to share some of our traditional Irish St. Patty’s Day recipes with all of you fine folks so that you can make the most out of this holiday, even though it falls on a Thursday this year and therefore kind of sucks.

Irish Breakfast

For our first meal of the day, we’ll be treating you to a breakfast so Irish you’ll be shitting leprechauns and neglecting your children all day long. You start with a bowl of Lucky Charms, then—and here’s the secret—instead of adding milk, you add a pint of Guinness. For your coffee, just pour some Jameson in there, and for conversation, just murmur something about the Church.

Potato-Famine Lunch!

For lunch, check out a traditional Irish restaurant, like McDonald’s or McDonald’s Express, but in the tradition of the Potato Famine, refuse to order French fries! Grudgingly chew your food as you sip more Jameson and have more kids to replace the ones that probably died earlier that morning.

I'm half-Irish, and everything I know about the culture I got from this remarkably soul-deadening book.

Irish Snack!

I dunno, eat some Irish Soda bread then go to confession because you feel ashamed about it or something. While listening to U2 or some such.

Irish Dinner!

For a traditional Irish dinner, you’ll need to stumble into your abode late in the evening, having wasted your days paycheck at the pub, while your wife berates you that your meal is cold and your children are cold and the house is cold and life just fucking sucks so hard. Have a few bites of whatever she cooked, sip a few more sips of whiskey, then pass out.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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