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What if Dr. House Ran WebMD?

Thank goodness for WebMD. It has finally done away with all the horrid inconveniences that approaching a real doctor involves: being forced to sit in a waiting room with other people, remembering your insurance information, hoping the doc doesn’t say it’s cancer, etc.


Did you two recently get married? Ok, well that explains his impotence...


But listen, while WebMD has saved me a trip to a professional literally every single day this past month—turns out that spontaneous bleeding is “probably just stigmata”—I do miss dealing with a real human personality, especially since I am absolutely addicted to TV’s House and I’ve always been hoping that my own doctor could adopt some of his personality traits.

So, I propose we start a website very much like WedMD, except that the answers it provides you with are delivered in typical Doctor House fashion. Take the following examples, for instance…

Symptoms: Hacking cough, sore throat, slight fever.

Dr. House’s Diagnosis: You cheated on your spouse of ten years with a person you met on a World of Warcraft chat room. Because gamers live generally isolated lives, it makes sense that your lover’s immune system was weak. You contracted the common cold during this fling. We’ll start you on ten CCs of Nyquil. That should fix you right up. Your marriage, on the other hand, is doomed.

Symptoms: Nausea, aches and pains.

Dr. House’s Diagnosis: Although you volunteer part-time at a rehab clinic, you are actually a raging addict yourself. You told us you thought you just had the flu, but we broke into your apartment and found some rave songs on your iTunes playlist. Only people who are on ecstasy can tolerate that kind of music. You had a reaction to bad ecstasy.

Oh also you are only twelve years old, so like, this is even more messed up.


Also, I just pulled a Temple of Doom on you.


Symptoms: Headaches, chills.

Dr. House’s Diagnosis: I’m too busy worrying about my relationship with my girlfriend to save you, so this is gonna be a sad episode where you die. Don’t worry, though, cuz I’ll come close to convincing myself that I don’t deserve to be happy because it makes me a worse doctor, but then I’ll change my mind. So, ya know, at least I’m ok.

Symptoms: Uncontrollable itch.

Dr. House’s Diagnosis: Sure, by day, you’re a respected local politician who saved a kitten from a tree last week, but by night, you’re a raging sex addict. Last month you had sex with and killed a prostitute. While you were dumping her body in the lake nearby, you got poison ivy. It’s treatable. But your soul is not.

Symptoms: Fainting, vertigo.

Dr. House’s Diagnosis: What gender do you think you are? You’re wrong. You were actually born with a defect—you’re supposed to be the opposite gender of the one you are. Also you murdered your best friend’s puppy. Also you, like, snort cocaine a lot.

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