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James Franco is an Android

James Franco is a human mystery. How can one man do what he does? How can he work towards a Masters degree at NYU? How can he simultaneously work towards a PhD at Yale? How can he also teach a class in film editing? How can he also publish a book of pretty bad short stories? How can he also be an accomplished movie star? How can he suck so horrible in the Spider-Man films but rock so totally in Pineapple Express?


He also taught this bear how to talk. Then killed it.


Seriously, I literally give myself a pat on the back on a day when I haven’t eaten a meal that I microwaved. James Franco probably fucking builds microwaves in his spare time, then teaches a graduate level course on the theory behind general microwave oven construction.

Clearly, he is no ordinary man. In fact, in the humble opinion of this guy right here, he isn’t a man at all. James Franco is clearly mankind’s first fully functional android. And he’s going to replace us all one day.

I must first present my argument by explaining that I do believe that James Franco was once a normal human being. During his tenure on the short-lived but totally awesome TV show Freaks and Geeks, he displayed his utter normality by being a very shitty actor who spent every episode sulking and being moody. This rarely changed, as he continued to appear in movies and continued to be totally lame. The shift occurred around the time he appeared in that piece of cinematic shit known as Tristan and Isolde.


Dude, why?


Source indicate that after being forced to sit through a screening of that wretched pile of sewage tank explosions, Franco fell into a deep coma as a result of the cosmic horror he experienced in reaction to his involvement in that picture. Scientists determined he would never wake up, so they snatched his body and proceeded to wire it with computer chips and shit like that, turning him into an android.

It was like Robocop, except not as badass.

When they revived Franco, he was no longer the man he once was before. His acting skill had improved, and he possessed a computer’s, uh, computing skills. In a quest to better understand the human world, he enrolled in various academic programs to increase his knowledge of our ways.

Franco is the next step in human evolution. We have reached the pinnacle of biological potential. The next step in the process of evolution is integrating ourselves with the machines. If we submit to the will of the androids, we too can write pretty awful short stories and like, go to Yale and NYU at the same time. We won’t like, be excellent students, but hey, NYU and Yale. That’s look impressive hanging on your wall if you become a doctor or have a job where you get to hang a degree on your wall.

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