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An Average American Filmgoer Reviews the Oscars

Last night marked the 83rd annual Academy Awards, proving that Hollywood's most enduring tradition is the one that lets all the celebrities tell each other how awesome they all are. Compared to other years, the show was a little lackluster. The speeches were boring, the winners were predictable, and James Franco looked more stoned than a frat boy at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

This was his expression the whole night.

But we're not here to pick apart all those little details. No, we decided to do a quick recap of the winners this year from the perspective of the average American filmgoer. The Academy may be out of touch with the tastes of the heartland, but we are in touch with those tastes, we're like all up in them, and we're going to show you how they felt about last night's proceedings.

Best Supporting Actor: Well we're not upset about Christian Bale winning, because he is Batman, after all, but what, no love for Taylor Lautner? I was a Team Edward supporter, but I dunno, after Eclipse, I may have to change my mind. Did you see how in shape he got? That's dedication to the craft of acting if I ever saw it. Al Pacino never did that.

Best Supporting Actress: I don't know who any of these people are. This is confusing and I'm bored. Where are the Sex and the City girls? Their performances were so convincing that I almost believed a man would actually have sex with them.

That's movie magic.

Best Actor: Ah, Jeff Bridges is nominated...but not for Tron? What is this bullshit? Why are they giving this award to the British bastard? We say we fought for our independence against the King hundreds of years ago, but it looks like we're still giving him our Academy Awards, so really, who won that war?

Best Actress: Yeah, we like this one. C'mon, name me an American who hates Natalie Portman. Besides Mel Gibson (probably).

Best Director: What, did Michael Bay not direct any movies this year? Oh, he didn't...well still, why are we giving it to this British dude? Has he ever worked with Bruce Willis? No? I rest my case.

Best Picture: Ok, so I'll ignore the fact that Harry Potter, Twilight, and Little Fockers were not nominated. But we could have at least given this award to Toy Story 3. I cried for ages after that movie. During The King's Speech, I just cried tears of boredom.

Oh well, a new Transformers movies is coming out. At least I have something to look forward to.

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