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The Cynical Investor's Guide to Valentine's Day

On Valentine’s Day, there are generally two types of people. There are bitter single folks who resort to the cliché notion that the holiday was simply created by greeting card companies to make a profit off of naive teenagers’ hormones (now known as the Twilight Business Model), and then there are shitty couples who act all cute and shitty together because they think they are the greatest pieces of shit in this entire shitty world. Fuck them.


They are the worst plague humanity has ever encountered.


However, I think that now is as good a time as any to remove yourself from the herd. Don’t let you relationship status determine who you are on this day. I’ve devised a method that will allow a single person to be as happy, successful and, yes, shitty, as anyone else on this day.

I call it The Cynical Investor’s Guide to Valentine’s Day.

(I should preface the following content by stating that my knowledge of the investing world is limited. And by limited, I mean that my greatest insight into investment strategy up to now has been, “I kind of want to start an E-Trade account because those baby commercials are still hilarious.”)


"Talking infants? Get out of town!"


If the thieving, lying, cocaine-abusing CEOs of greeting card companies are making some cash off of this holiday, there is simply no reason why you shouldn’t either. Play your cards right, follow my tips, and you’ll be eating steak at a non-Applebee’s restaurant with the big shots in no time.

(No, seriously, I am a fucking liar, DO NOT follow this advice. It will ruin you and everything you love.)

First off, do the obvious; invest in those greeting card companies. Their stock is bound to rise a little bit, right? Same with the chocolate companies and the condom companies and the chocolate condom companies. For all of them, Valentine’s Day represents a pretty reliable payday.

But, as was stated somewhere in this essay (I’m not scrolling up to find it), there are TWO kinds of people on Valentine’s Day, and if you want to maximize your portfolio’s girth, you must account for all demographics affected by the holiday.

So, what you need to do is think about what single people will be spending their money on today. Things like liquor. Handguns. The complete series of Boy Meets World. And beautiful, beautiful heroin.

(Sources tell me you cannot invest in heroin. I am officially broke, it seems.)

It may seem cold, this idea; making a profit off of other people’s happiness is one thing, but cashing in on the crippling misery and depression of poor single people on Valentine’s Day is a total Gordon Gekko move, if Gordon Gekko knew as much about investing as I do.


"Hey, why is the Nasdaq doing that? Why's it doing it?"


So listen, if it makes you feel bad, give some of that money back to the community so they can build a playground for kids or a shelter for lonely single people. And don’t blame me when you sell those handgun and booze stocks and spend the reast of your days swimming in cash like Scrooge McDuck.

(Also, seriously, don’t blame me if this backfires.)

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