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Notes From the Half-Time Show Planning Committee

In between watching the Packers win last night (sweet), many of you may have tuned in for the Super Bowl half-time show, featuring The Black Eyed Peas, Usher, and what appears to be the clone army from Star Wars: Episode II. Clearly, a lot more effort was put into choreographing this performance than the one The Who delivered last year, which pretty much consisted of “old guys play old music.”

If you were baffled by the half-time show, perhaps even frightened by it, no worries. Despite every single human urge in his body telling him not to, telling him no, telling him that this was literally, like 100% absolutely the worst idea ever, we were able to convince on of EvilChili’s operatives to seduce Fergie in order to obtain the notes that were taken during the planning of the half-time show.


Pictured: Fergie


Said operative has now been confined to a mental institution where he spends his days in a padded cell, banging his head violently against a wall in the hopes of escaping from the memories which now haunt his every waking hour.


This is what making love to Fergie looks like.


His brave efforts did bring us these highlights from the half-time show planning committee’s files. Hopefully they will shed some light on that part of the evening where every viewer in America thought that he or she must have accidentally ingested a hallucinogenic.

Songs:

Ok, first order of business was to determine which songs the band should perform, but someone had a pretty brilliant idea that we decided to run with. You know how when a radio station returns from a commercial break they play, like, two second long clips of a bunch of different songs, just in case listeners suddenly forgot what genre of music the station plays? Why don’t we just do that? Studies indicate that the people who actually listen to The Black Eyed Peas don’t have attention spans (like, it’s not that they have short attention spans, it’s that they literally don’t have attention spans at all), so we’d lose them to a distracting Tweet or a shiny piece of tin-foil or some such if we let the group perform a song for more than five seconds anyway, so why don’t we just tease people by starting a bunch of songs and never finishing them? We’ll be like the Guillermo del Toro of awful music!

Theme:

We’ve got this ambitious idea for a clone-army theme. To distract the occasional critical viewer who will point out that this is officially the worst half-time show ever (and that includes freaking Creed), we’ll need spectacle, and what is more spectacular and disturbing than too many people dressed in too many clinical white outfits performing too many of the same dances moves too perfectly?



What, Lady Gaga already wants that idea for a music video? So what, it’s not like anything she does is original, anyway.

Usher:

Yeah, sure, whatever. We couldn’t get Bieber? Cuz, you know, we’d prefer Bieber. Usher’s good but, ya know, we want Justin…ok…ok…fine, we’ll go with Usher. But, like, seriously, does anyone listen to Usher anymore? They do? Why am I taking notes in the form of a conversation? Pass the cocaine.

Auto-Tune:

Hell yeah! (Readers can’t hear this, but I just said those exact words and auto-tuned the shit out of them.)

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