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The Worst Apartment Building Neighbors

If you are an American adult, odds are that some point in your life, you’ve lived in an apartment. Maybe you were a student. Maybe you were a young urban professional (I call dibs on that as my rap alias). Maybe you just liked knowing that if you had a leaky faucet or your toilet exploded, it wasn’t your responsibility to fix it.

Whatever the case, apartments are convenient and, so long as you don’t mind feeling like you’re living on Dagobah, affordable. The downside to this type of living situation, though, is that you’re forced to have several intimate neighbors, and most of the time, they aren’t Yoda.

So, whether you’re now thinking back to the time you lived in an apartment, live in one right now, or are simply considering doing so, here’s a list of some of the awful neighbors you can expect to run into.

The Sex Machine

Especially prevalent in apartment complexes near college campuses is the neighbor who inevitably lives directly above you and has so many sexual partners that you start to wonder if he isn’t a famous musician or basketball player. If you’re a student, you can understand that every now and then you’ll hear some drunken boning going on in one of the nearby rooms, even after you’ve moved out of the dorms. But this guy seems to have a new lover every night, and apparently doesn’t subscribe to the “slow and romantic” school of love-making, opting instead to practice the “let’s see how strong these bedsprings are” school of sexual techniques.

Not only is the noise annoying when you need to wake up for work or class the next morning, but it also makes you sad, because you know your neighbor is having a lot more fun than you are.

The Narc

Did anyone see this movie? Any good?

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the neighbor so uptight that she got excommunicated from the Catholic Church because the nuns couldn’t deal with her anymore. She apparently has a job that leads to a two-hundred hour work week, because if you make even the slightest bit of noise, she’ll less-than-pleasantly inform you that she is a busy woman and you are distracting her.

If you live with such a person as a neighbor, you can more or less give up on ever having anything resembling an interesting or fun social life; she’s got the police department on speed dial and will be ready to call Johnny Law the moment she suspects that you might be enjoying yourself.

The Budding Guitarist

If there’s one thing in the world that sounds worse than a pretentious douchebag playing sensitive songs on his acoustic guitar, it’s a pretentious douchebag learning to play sensitive songs on his acoustic guitar.

This is the kind of neighbor who picked up an instrument solely to pick up chicks, as evidenced by his incompetent renditions of “Crash Into Me,” “Your Body is a Wonderland,” and “More Than Words,” all of which you are forced to listen to 24/7.

The Person Who Wants to be Friends

This guy didn’t move into an apartment because it was convenient; hell, he probably inherited enough money from his uncle Scrooge McDuck that he can afford to buy multiple homes in several beautiful, gentrified neighborhoods.

No, he moved into an apartment because he likes the idea of living with so many intimate neighbors. Whereas you tend to despise the fact that you’ve got live in such close proximity with other people, he’s one of those freaks who actually likes human interaction and thinks that your building is a hippie commune. He’ll take any opportunity available to him to knock on your door and invite you over to watch American Idol or just, you know, chill and look at funny cats on Youtube.

While that’s more or less how you spend your nights anyway, you’d rather do it alone. It’s weird when a random person across the hall thinks you should gather as many tenants as possible and enjoy these wonderful activities together.

The Guy Who You Think is a Serial Killer

The opposite of Mr. Friendly McHappypants above is the neighbor who never evolved out of his eighth grade obsession with The Cure and pop Satanism. He’s got the complexion of the Michelin Man and the facial expression of the demon from The Exorcist. On the rare occasions when you seem him outside of his apartment, you’ll kindly nod to greet him; at best, he’ll glare back and leave you with the distinct yet baffling feeling that somewhere, a bunny rabbit just died.

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