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So, Your Team Didn't Make it to the Super Bowl...

So, sports fans, it all came down to this. After a long season, during which every dedicated football enthusiast in America was certain that their team would pull through and give them some reason to wake up in the morning, it looks as though the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers are going to the Super Bowl. While a meeting between the Steelers and Packers sounds more like a convention of blue-collar union delegates and less like a badass showdown between two teams of genetically-engineered superhuman killing machines, obviously there are some people who are pleased with this outcome.

Like these gentlemen.

But I’m not one of those people. You see, I’m a New York Giants fan. While that technically qualifies me as masochist, I think the point I’m making is that, damn, I have no vested interest in the Super Bowl now. And I would right now like to extend my hand to everyone in the country who is going through what I am now. Whether you are a fan of the Colts, Seahawks, or any of the other teams that aren’t the Giants and therefore don’t matter, I just want to say that we can at least empathize with each other now.

Unless you’re a Patriots or Jets fan. Yuck. Go make out with Rex Ryan and Tom Brady (which would be as close as any of us would get to making out with Gisele, so hey, maybe that’s an ok idea).

See, to football fans, the Super Bowl is like Christmas, but when your team doesn’t make it, it’s like Santa Skipped you. And this year, if you were a Cowboys fan, it’s like Santa skipped you and gave you the finger and then ran over your Grandma with his reindeer and then posted a video of that shit on Youtube and left a bunch of comments saying how hilarious it was.

Sure, we’ll still watch the game, because every now and then there is a funny commercial with a talking baby or a talking frog or something else that doesn’t usually talk (Budweiser still refuses to shoot my commercial featuring a talking Helen Keller), and we need to be in on the same conversation everyone else is having on Monday. When someone asks, “Did you see that catch?,” at least you can answer honestly. Yes, indeed you saw that catch.

But deep down, you’ll be thinking, That catch sucked because the ball wasn’t thrown by Eli Manning. Or any of the other shitty quarterbacks that you non-Giants fans like. Michael Vick? The man destroys pets. The only thing Eli Manning ever destroyed was my hopes and dreams, and I’m a recent college graduate, so they get destroyed on a weekly basis anyway.

Two seconds later, that pass was intercepted.

But hey, what can you do? Only two teams get to make it to the Super Bowl each year, and that means that there will inevitably be years where you just have to suck it up and face the facts: sports suck. This game sucks. They’re just the worst, this shit is so unfair.

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