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EvilChili's Thoughts on the Golden Globes.

Last night was the annual Golden Globe Awards, when the people of Hollywood sit around, drink, and congratulate themselves. It’s like most of their nights, except the cocaine is kept hidden in the bathroom. They’re not just gonna parade that kind of blow out in front of the cameras for the whole world to see. What are they, animals?


Well, being addicted to both pop culture and any television event that promises to involve Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Megan Fox all in one, I of course had to watch. Allow me to share my observations with you.

The Host:

Everyone in that room wanted to kill host Ricky Gervais. For all I know, Ricky Gervais wants to kill Ricky Gervais. He doesn’t exactly seem like the most cheerful chap. But, dropping the usual sarcasm, let me just say that he is quite possibly the funniest human being to walk the Earth. He makes me want to dedicate my life to inventing a process in which I could revert to the age of five so I could go back, convert to Judaism and spend my childhood making a shit-load of money, just so I could have a Bar Mitzvah with him as the host.

Marky Mark!

I have a theory. I think Marky Mark is a Terminator that has been programmed to infiltrate human society via the entertainment industry. He always looks like he’d rather be committing homicide.

Helena Bonham-Carter:

Helena Bonham-Carter is beautiful and talented and unique and she’s also the smug, grown-up equivalent of the kid in high school who pretended to be punk rock because it grabbed people’s attention. Wow, your hair looks like you just had sex with Wolverine. Way to take a stand against conformity and all those bitchy cheerleaders who don’t get you. (We’re looking at you, January Jones.)

But we’ll take any opportunity to look at January Jones, won’t we?

Christian Bale

Christian Bale is known to be a method actor, and after that acceptance speech of his, I can only conclude that to play the role of a crack addict, he became an actual crack addict. And decided he enjoyed it a lot, and decided to keep being a crack addict. With a Welsh accent.

The man needs his fix.

Batman’s fucking American, dude. And he's probably not addicted to crack. You’ve just disillusioned an entire generation of kids.

Tom Hanks and Tim Allen:

Everyone in the room is thinking, “What’s a Tim Allen?”

Robert De Niro:

When you are as talented as Robert De Niro is, you can get away with shitty, awkward speeches. Unless you’ve starred in Little Fockers. Then you get two minutes to ramble, and we’re cutting you off after that.

Al Pacino:

Why does Al Pacino always look and behave like he just woke up next to a woman he regrets hooking up with? He’s treating this award like a chick he brought home from the bar after a few shots of whiskey took his inhibitions down a couple of notches.

Colin Firth:

Anyone know where I can buy a Colin Firth accent? Like this is totally unrelated but my friends and I have talked about heading down to a bar where no one will know us and doing our best to fake a British accent. That man doesn’t even need to be charming. Or do you think American accents are hot in the UK?

No? Dammit.

Natalie Portman:

She knew she was going to win. Her speech could have been summed up as follows: “We all knew this was coming, let’s just get on with it.” Which could also be a line in the shower scene of a prison movie.

Why didn't she win for Attack of the Clones?

Everyone’s Speech:

I’ve been watching the Golden Globes and Oscars for years now, and it occurred to me that I don’t recall ever hearing anyone thanks the troops. I know it’s unrelated, but you’re in an industry where you get paid millions of dollars to make movies. And then you throw a big party to tell yourselves how great you are. Ever think to take a minute to thank the people who are giving their lives everyday so you can chill in Hollywood?

Or is there some rule at these shows requiring everyone to be an asshole?

Bruce Willis:

Bruce Willis looked like he wanted to shoot Ricky Gervais in the face, but U.S. law stipulates that he may only shoot fuckers with German accents.

Golden Globes:

How many shitty jokes about breasts can those of us playing along at home make this year?

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