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The First Year of Marriage: An Undercover Report

What up, readers? Today, I want to talk to you about something that’s been bugging me lately. Ya see, I’m a recent college graduate who is slowly trudging his way towards adulthood. Now, while I’ve been doing my best to postpone this misery for as long as possible, a cursory glance through my Facebook account yields a rather startling conclusion:

Many of my peers seem eager to become adults. How can it be that the generation raised on Blink 182 and actually wants to act their age? It makes no sense.

Yet, this impulse is evident, especially in the realm of romantic relationships. It seemed to me that just yesterday, my friends and I were ogling Britney Spears (hey, it was a different time) and talking about how we “liked” so-and-so (probably because so-and-so returned to school that year with breasts).

Now, everyone seems to be all about getting into serious, committed relationships. They talk about “growing old together” and “starting a family” while somehow omitting “giving up on all happiness” and “subjecting myself to a crippling depression that will only be cured by a covert addiction to painkillers.”

But hey, maybe I’m wrong, perhaps they’re onto something here. So I decided to randomly select a young couple that just got married and basically stalk the shit out of them for a year by peeping in to their bedrooms and seeing what the passion looked like behind the scenes during the first year of marriage. Below is my log of the experience.

Day 1: It’s their honeymoon. Who the hell goes to Cancun on their fucking honeymoon? You go to Cancun to screw people you don’t know, right?

Whatever, it’s the first night, let’s see what’s going on in the bedroom…oh shit, is that sex without a condom? I didn’t even think that shit was legal. It’s probably still not in the United States, guess that’s why they went to Mexico. Makes sense.

You can pretty much kill a person and get away with it.

Day 5: Dude it’s been like no-condom sex every damn night. They go at it for hours, it’s insane. Marriage is awesome! I wanna try!

Day 13: Ok, we’re back in the good old United States. This is the first night since they’ve been married that hasn’t involved any sex. The girl says she’s too tired. Hey, no biggie, it looks like marriage is one big boning marathon. Gotta take a break sometime.

Day 23: She was “tired” for like an entire week. And now the guy is tired, some shit about his boss telling him he might get laid off making him stressed. So dude, cure that stress by getting laid not-off right now my man.

Day 50: Ok I think the guy may have used up all his juice during those first few days of marriage because boning has been sporadic, at best. Now these two are all about “loving conversations” and “taking care of one another.” She’s all “don’t worry sweetie, if you lose this job you’ll find another” and he’s all “no babe, I love you too much, I’m just gonna work harder to make sure I keep this job.”


Day 72: Ok so they were all hot and heavy, watching Titanic, giving each other massages, eating fruit dipped and chocolate and shit and going at it like a couple of French people or something, when I realized, it’s Valentine’s Day. Since all adults Americans are required by law to have sex on this day, this shit does not count.

Day 122: Oh Hell No. They are talking about what they are gonna name their kids. “Malcolm and Iris”? “Harris and Shelley”? What is this shit?

Here’s a couple rules of thumb for all people, everywhere. 1.) Don’t have kids. 2.) Name your kids “Milli” and “Vanilli.”

Day 173: Something’s so wrong about this marriage. Something is so terribly, terribly broken, like a leaky faucet that won’t stop leaking, and you call the plumber but he’s a shitty plumber because he only got into the business because his father started it, but he really wanted to go to art school so he knows fuck-all about this shit, and you are freaking out because that will seriously up your water bill and NO ONE knows how to fix it.

That is how broken this marriage is.

The only sex they have is on Saturday nights and it lasts five minutes. Seriously, they schedule it and everything. What are they, priests?

Day 222: Oh look at this, big boy in the house got a promotion. How did our favorite soul-crushingly depressing couple celebrate this momentous occasion?

They watched Titanic, and while much likes Rivers Cuomo, it didn’t make them sad, it certainly made me sad. Very sad.

I seriously think that’s the only movie they own.

It's the perfect love story because they were only together for like, two days.

Day 256: Nope, I was wrong. They also own The Blind Side. Oh, and they watched that one because the dude wanted to choose a movie this time and this was his idea of a sports movie.

I used to think marriage was a beautiful thing. Now I think it’s a monster that stalks impressionable adult males and steals their balls in the night.

Day 284: Aw, they had their first big fight. The couldn’t decide which pair of in-laws to visit that weekend. This is the most excitement this marriage had has in months. I’m loving it!

Day 287: Aaaaaaaand they made up. Aaaaaand they celebrated making up by going to Baskin-Robbins (I didn’t even know those were around anymore). Aaaaaaand they went to sleep.

This is how they remind themselves that they're alive.

Day 307: It was a big, exciting time in the household today. Want to know why? (No, you don’t, but I’ll tell you anyway). These two crazy lovebirds decided to both say, “what the hey,” (no, they literally said those EXACT words) and call in sick to work so they could stay home and…wait for it…wait for it…the anticipation is killing me, too….watch the Law & Order marathon!!


Day 323: So the dude was going through an old box of his stuff today when he came across his high-school yearbook. You could see the chill run down his spine as he vaguely remembered what it was like to be young again. He flipped through a couple of pages before breaking out in a cold sweat and stuffing the book away like it was a cursed Ouija board.

Dude, he’s only twenty-six!

Day 365: And so the first year of marriage has come and gone. How did these two celebrate their anniversary?

Fuckin CSI. They rented the entire first season from Netflix and watched it. All. Night. Long.

How hot is that?

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