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President Obama Sent Me a Drunk Text on New Year's Eve

Dear President Obama,

At 5:21 A.M. on New Year's Eve--New Year's Dawn, really--my phone vibrated to life with a text message from you. I too vibrated to life, having failed to empty my pockets (much less take off my pants, belt, or earmuffs) before falling asleep. The ball dropped to the ground at midnight in New York City, and I followed suit about three hours later.

I admit, President Obama, that I was rather surprised to see that this 5:21 A.M. text message was from someone like you, the President of the United States, and not, say, someone like my friend Gene, a drunkard who is constantly texting me at odd hours asking for the names of currently open liquor stores and/or bail money. And I also admit that I was somewhat taken aback by the content of your text:

"The change we fought for in 2010," you wrote (clearly not knowing who you were texting, given that I did absolutely no fighting for any change of any kind in 2010), "will benefit millions of Americans. I look forward to continuing that work with you next year. Happy new year. -- Barack"

First of all, perhaps you could write a clause into that new Healthcare bill that would make the government pay for any liver damage caused by waking up from a bender prematurely due to an early-morning Presidential text message.

Secondly, why are you texting at 5:21 A.M. anyway, Barry O? The 5:21 A.M.-on-a-Saturday-text does not become someone of your standing, man! You're a Nobel Peace Prize winner, not a cast member on the Jersey Shore. If you and Biden and John Paul Stevens had one too many Four Lokos on New Year's Eve, that's fine, but don't go texting every Joe and Julie Six-Pack at 5:21 asking if anyone's down for a White Castle run.

Now, it has occurred to me that perhaps you were waking up at 5:21 in the morning after a night's sleep, or that you were celebrating New Year's in Hawaii, in which case the text would have been sent just after midnight. And although I have never bought the claim that you were out of touch with average Americans, if it is true that you knowingly sent a text bomb at 5:21 A.M. and you weren't absolutely blasted out of your face, then I'm worried those cries of elitism might be true. Don't you know where the average American is at that time after New Year's Eve, after chugging a bottle of $4 Andre, dancing sloppily to some God-awful DJ's Rolling Stones/Lil Wayne mash-up, and shoving three gas station hot dogs into their soon-to-be cotton mouth?

If you don't know, I will say it quite simply: They are sleeping, and do not want to be woken up by a politician's vague robo-text about the "change" that you are going to bring to Washington next year. In fact, I hope the first change you bring is not texting me at 5:21 in the morning when I'm two hours into a sleep that will be the difference between vomiting in a Chik-Fil-A the next morning and not vomiting in a Chik-Fil-A the next morning.

And so while your heart was in the right place, Rocky, and while I thank you for the only 5:21 A.M. text message I will ever receive that has perfect grammar and spelling, I would advise you to wait an hour or seven before sending out your New Year's text in 2012. YES, YOU CAN (let me sleep off my inevitable hangover). Next time you have the urge to send out a spam that late, go shotgun another Four Loko with Biden--he'll tell you when it's cool to text me. They don't call him the "vice" president for nothing.

Jason O. Gilbert

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