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New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Stick To

Tonight we look back on a year that brought us the best season of American Idol yet, the penultimate Harry Potter movie, and also Lebron James did something but I forget because, well, I don’t watch basketball.

Yeah, but I'd make a shitty witness. Seriously, I really just don't care.

We look back on these major news stories because it is a lot less depressing than looking back on our own accomplishments—or lack thereof--for the year. (“Hey, for a few weeks there, I was drinking exactly as much water as health professionals say you should. Damn right I’m proud.”)

See, that’s the problem with New Year’s resolutions. We set our sights way too high. Could I really expect myself to get a job and read the newspaper every morning to stay up on current events? What am I, Superman?

(Although I defy you to name a time when both Superman and I were around at the same time. Just sayin.’)

To save you the inevitable disappointment, we’re not going to ask you to make any resolutions you can’t keep. Instead, we’ll just list some resolutions that will be pretty easy to keep, that way you can feel good about setting a goal and accomplishing it, no sweat.

Let’s start off by getting rid of this “Happy New Year” bullshit. Change it to “Reasonably Content New Year.” That’s a little closer to truth. Here’s a few more resolutions you can try…

-This year, I will fork over the cash for a gym membership, and one day, when I honestly have nothing at all to do and have absolutely no excuse, I will go there and walk briskly on the treadmill for fifteen minutes. Those are 18 calories I wouldn’t have burned if I’d just stayed at home watching the Biography channel, even though they were doing an episode on Tito Jackson and that sounded interesting. Money well spent.

"Hey, at least I didn't gain weight..."

-This year, I’m going to realize that I don’t really deserve that raise, after all. Now I don’t have to be scared of confronting my boss, cuz it turns out he’s not a jerk. He was right all along! My productivity has been pretty low lately! What a smart guy.

-I think I’m gonna floss every now and then, when I feel like it.

-This year, I won’t find the true love of my life because I’ve realized that I’m much happier alone. It gives me time for my work. On that note…

-I’m gonna write the first chapter in that novel I’ve been thinking about. Then I plan to forget about it because print is dead anyway.

-I’m really not going to do anything at all to change my drinking habits. They’re fine the way they are, officer.

This moment brought to you by alcohol.

-I’m gonna subscribe to a major newspaper and read all of the big, noticeable headlines, because it’s important to stay informed.

-I plan on this year being just about as good as any other year.

-I’m gonna plan that trip to Europe and then realize that it’s too expensive and Europe is probably overrated. Right?

-Maybe I’ll read a couple books. I’ll see what people are reading on the subway, those books are usually pretty good.

-I’m gonna start being more responsible with my money. For a couple months. Until I find something super-sweet to spend it on.

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