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Why Kay Jewelers Commercials are Ruining Christmas

As the song goes, the Christmas season is “the most wonderful time of the year.” (Unless, of course, the Giants make it to the Super Bowl, in which case Christmas will have some competition.) It’s a time for families to reunite, children to be joyful, and atheists to convert to Christianity for one day because, c’mon, presents.

However, for the past few years, I have been unable to enjoy the season, and not only because of the onset of seasonal affective disorder, a condition so lame its acronym is “SAD.” No, I’m talking about an evil force which has infected my good spirits and turned me into a bitter old Scrooge who walks by the orphanage just to get a good laugh. I’m talking about those damn Kay Jewelers commercials.

If you’ve turned on your TV at all since Thanksgiving, you’ve seen them. A moderately attractive couple with no acting skills is placed in a moderately romantic situation (I guess. Is walking down a snowy street romantic, or just inconvenient?) and the man suddenly produces from his pocket a beautifully crafted apartheid diamond. I think, in all fairness, I should tell you that I don’t know if they actually use apartheid diamonds, I’m just guessing.

Blood Diamond was actually just a long Kay commercial.

Oh yeah, it’s all beautiful and romantic and warm and it just brings love back into your heart?

Fucking wrong. Way fucking wrong. These commercials have been literally designed to be the worst thing on the planet of anything that has ever existed. They make all the other worst things—fruit cake, Richard Simmons, Bristol Palin—seem like they are treasured gifts. I used to think Olive Garden commercials were the most painfully unbearable example of poor advertising ever (and they are still, like, so shitty), but Kay Jewelers has taken that motherfucking prize.

Look, I have nothing against romance. At the risk of taking my man-cred down a few notches, I’ll admit that I love Titanic, I watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset when I’m down, and I dug Atonement, and not only because of that scene with the bookcase and the hot green dress and the Keira Knightley.

But to me, Kay Jewelers and their shitty advertising campaigns don’t have a thing to do with true romance.

Well, duh.

I believe that love exists and is real, but one, I don’t think materialism is the best way to express it, and two, those people in those commercials do not seem to be genuinely in love. They don’t behave like two people who get along with each other and complement each other in any way. They behave like a pair of middle-schoolers who just started dating each other and have no realistic guidepost for what love actually looks like. They think that romance involves constantly fawning over each other, surprising one another with unoriginal gifts, reacting to said unoriginal gifts speechlessly, embracing one another far too slowly, pausing for a delicate yet passionate kiss, then staring into one another’s eyes with smiles so wide the Joker would be jealous.

C’mon, that’s not love, that’s just vomit-inducing. It gives you the same feeling you get after drinking five Jagerbombs then looking at a picture of Miley Cyrus.

Real romance is subjective, anyway. Personally, Kay Jewelers commercials make me want to stab a sick baby panda, but if they were to depict me and some cute young woman discussing say, Star Wars or Martin Scorsese movies while watching stand-up comedy, I’d cry from the beauty of it all.

But no, Kay Jewelers wants to tell the men of the world that real love involves buying a gift that says “I may not have an original thought in my head, I may not really know anything that makes you any different from any other member of your sex, but I am packing a big wallet.” Of course there’s nothing wrong with getting your girlfriend jewelry every once and a while and showing that you don’t care how much you spend on her because she’s worth it, but these damn commercials portray the act of giving a necklace as if it were the most monumentally romantic thing you could do for a girl.

You know what the most monumentally romantic thing I could do with a girl happens to be? Watching a Kay Jewelers commercial with a girlfriend and making fun of the douchebags on it with her.

That’s true love, right?

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