We’re all still reeling from the news that Hollywood couple Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are ending their marriage, and while we all feel bad for Reynolds, who will likely spiral into a neverending cycle of alcoholism as he tries in vain to figure out why he let the hottest woman alive slip through his grasp, we also need to understand that Scarlett Johansson will need a man to fill the void in her life now. Personally, I would like to announce my candidacy for the position and list several reasons why I would make a suitable replacement for Mr. Reynolds, who is probably at this moment staring into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and wondering why there is no such thing as happiness.

Take a look at this list and tell me I wouldn’t be good for the job.

1.) The couple cited the distance that their careers created as a main reason for ending the relationship. Scarlett will be happy to know that this will not be a problem with me, as I in fact will not be seeking a career—she’s rich, it’s not like I’ll need one—and will spend all of my time following her around. Everywhere she goes. Forever.

2.) I thought that Iron Man 2 was slightly better than the first Iron Man film. She may or may not have had something to do with that. (Ok, she did.)

3.) If all the pictures of her in magazines are any indication, she doesn’t like wearing a lot of clothes and generally selects an item of clothing that covers up the bare minimum of her body. I’ll graciously accept this quirk of her personality and allow her to remain entirely unclothed whenever she so chooses.



4.) I am a pathological liar and will therefore be entirely willing to reassure her that her album of Tom Waits covers was tolerable and even “good” at certain points. (Like when it ended, for example.)

5.) I already thought Ryan Reynolds was a bit of a douche, even before this relationship ended. She won’t need to convince me to take her side in the inevitable battle between these two scorned lovers.

6.) I may not be physically strong enough to intimidate everyone, but I’m pretty sure I could beat up that Woody Allen sucker whose being trying to get with her for years now.


I could have put a picture of Woody Allen here, but like...no...

7.) In the off-chance that I actually get the opportunity to sleep with my celebrity crush, I won’t have to be cheating on her because she is my celebrity crush. Her, and Kate Winslet. She may have some competition there.

8.) Call me crazy, but I think she’s beautiful just the way she is.



9.) You know that shitty Black Dahlia movie she was in? Didn’t see it. Her reputation as an actress has not been ruined with me, yet.

10.) Please?