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A Very Scholarly Article About Bears

Ever since the first pre-civilized humans roamed the Earth, our kind has been engaged in an endless battle with the race of bears. No other creature has posed so great a threat, no other beast has proved to be such a formidable foe, no other animal has a subspecies whose name is a homophone for “grisly.” (As in, “I will tear you limb from limb then locate your family and eat them alive, and it will be grisly as shit.”)

Although humankind has developed to the point where we can sufficiently shield ourselves from the threat posed by bears thanks to modern housing and modern shotguns, we still possess a universal and innate suspicion that one day our greatest mortal enemies will rise up as one and enact a brutal vengeance upon us, therefore taking our place as the supreme beings of this planet.

Psychologically speaking, it is my belief as an esteemed (eh…) internet comedy writer that every action ever taken by humans has stemmed from a subconscious desire to conquer bears. We procreate not merely to further the survival of the species and because it feels like happiness all over our bodies, but because we are tying to make sure that the human army outnumbers the bear army. We think that we’ve harnessed energy sources to pave the way for society and now pretend to regret the havoc such actions have wreaked upon the environment, but in reality we wanted global warming to occur so that we might eliminate as many polar bears as possible.

Screw 'em.

Many people are unable to see this, but just as our dreams are often an expression of our subconscious desires—for example, based on my dream last night, it seems I must have a buried desire to commit a major heist at the zoo—pop culture also serves to indicate to us humans just how we actually feel. Such is certainly the case with bears. Let’s explore some poplar depictions of the species and deduce what they are telling us about ourselves…

The Care Bears

Ah yes, the Care Bears. Beginning their fictional lives as a series of greeting cards (because nothing says “I love you” quite like the image of monster that will surely rip you to shreds while you beg for an end to your torment), this tribe of emotionally expressive creatures gained prominence as characters in a children’s show.

You see, it is an inescapable fact that bears know only two emotions: hatred and racism. (Citation needed. Also, racism isn’t an emotion.) By attempting to imbue bears with predominantly positive human emotions—cheer, friendliness, funshine—we thought we could take away some of their threatening power. Perhaps if we psychologically conditioned our own children to perceive bears as harmless little beings, then the next generation of humans would have no fear of the bears and would be willing to engage them in battle and settle this war once and for all.

Sadly, the psychological seed was not planted deeply enough and the idea didn’t take. I conducted a study in which I “selected” thirty American infants, made them watch several hours worth of the Care Bears show, then locked them in a cage with a grizzly bear.

They were fucking terrified. The ones that survived will never be the same.

Remember the TV special The Care Bears in the Land Without Feelings? It seems there’s something we’ve always known: to a bear, every land is a land without feelings. Or remorse. Or sympathy. Or mercy. Or compassion. Or fear. Or general anxiety. Or reluctance. Or hesitation. Or indecision. Or freedom.

Gummi Bears

Every human child, from the moment he or she is born, knows instinctively that bears want to eat their flesh. It is the most clear fact of nature.

So we try to empower ourselves by creating Gummi Bears. First of all, notice the size of the Gummi Bears. By reducing bears to the size of a, like, really small thing, we subconsciously convince ourselves that they are not a threat. By giving them many unnatural and noticeable colors, we tell ourselves that bears cannot camouflage themselves because they are brightly colored and can be seen from miles away. And, most importantly of all, by making bears delicious, we turn our greatest fear against them by eating them, rather than allowing them to eat us.

Sadly, this has done little to lessen the threat posed by these animals, and in fact has gone on to prove that no matter what we do, they will always prove to be a danger to us. What happens if you eat too many Gummi Bears? You get a cavity.

Even when we’re eating them, we’re still the ones who pay in the end.

Bear Grylls

Bear Grylls, star of the television show Man vs. Wild and general all-around badass, represents the greatest strategy man has yet conceived in the fight against bears: infiltration.

If we cannot defeat bears by conventional means, perhaps one of our own can go undercover in their society and bring it down from the inside. By changing his name to Bear, he’s already used the subtle art of language to convince these beasts that he is one of them. And while Man vs. Wild may seem like mere entertainment, it is indeed a training program in which Grylls must learn to survive like a bear so that he can convincingly become one.

He is our last great hope, although we all fear that he may go rogue and side with his bear overlords after learning their ways and falling for their women.

It’ll be exactly like Avatar, except ten times more awesome.

Don’t forget to click “like” if you want to save yourself from the bears…

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