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Tales From the Honest Psychic!

Ever notice how all fortune tellers seem to have something vague and positive to say about your future? You could be a ninety year old woman with so many diseases that your doctor literally diagnosed you as “pretty much screwed,” but some kindly lady with a fake Jamaican accent who eats fake Jamaican food will still tell you that you’re about to find true love, so long as you give her your credit card number?

We’re not having that. Here’s a few sample conversations we’d imagine a real psychic might have with her clients. If Miss Cleo adopted this attitude, we might actually like here.

(Conversation between Psychic Lady and Young College Student)

Psychic Lady: The spirits tell me that you are a scholar of sorts. Tell me child, what is it that you study?

Student: I’m a philosophy major. I want to know: will I find success in my future?

Psychic Lady: Well, my dear, let us look to the spirits for the answer to your query. I am getting some very strong vibrations now…I see you, eight years from now, living with your mother and father. You reside in the basement because they are too embarrassed to let anyone know that you still live at home. You spend your days eating Hot Pockets and watching The Matrix. Occasionally, you add a few words to your manifesto, which is really just a blog where you restate everything all of your old philosophy professors already taught you. The only time you ever leave the house is to go to the bar once a month where you try to pick up girls. You fail miserably and end up spending all of your money on lottery tickets.

That’ll be fifty bucks.

(Conversation between Psychic Lady and Sixteen Year Old Girl)

Girl: So, like, Jimmy broke up with me to go out with Heather even though she’s a dumb ho and everything. So, like, when are they gonna break up so Jimmy and I can get married?

Psychic Lady: They will not break up anytime soon…

Girl: What the fuck, bitch?!

Psychic Lady: I have seen Heather. The spirits have shown her to me. Her breasts are substantially larger than yours’, and that is Jimmy’s chief concern.

On top of that, they are both fans of Kid Cudi. Because they are in high school, they think that this qualifies them as soul mates. They will stay together until they both go off to college, because they will cheat on each other there. A lot. You, on the other hand, will be too obsessed with Jimmy to ever seek out another boy. You will have no one to go to prom with and will only apply to colleges close to where Jimmy is. Sadly, you’re obsession over him will cause your grades to decline and you will not be accepted by any of these colleges.


(Conversation between Psychic Lady and Lonely Man)

Lonely Man: I’m thinking about starting an eHarmony account. Will I find a hot woman on there? I’m looking for love, but obviously, I need to be attracted to my lover.

Psychic Lady: Despite what the commercials may have led you to believe, there are not many hot people on eHarmony. Most hot people are spoken for. Even if there are a few hot people on that site, I don’t need the spirits to tell me that you will not be one of them. It looks like you haven’t exercised once since gym class in high school, which must have been at least twenty-five years ago, and your hair is so thin it kind of looks like a small layer of fog that is haunting your dome. Still, years of exposure to pop culture make you think that you are still entitled to having a wife who looks like Marilyn Monroe, when in reality you are better suited to a wife he looks like Marilyn Manson, if that is even possible. Because you refuse to lower your standards, even though any beautiful woman who dates you would have to lower her standards immensely—you don’t look very wealthy, so that’s not helping either—you will inevitably die alone.

I’d ask you to pay, but I just kind of feel bad for you.

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