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An Interview With the Guy Who Sleeps With Animals

In case you missed it, we featured a video a few days ago about a couple who bonded over their mutual love of fucking horses. (As opposed to their mutual love of fucking each other, which is what most normal people base a relationship on.) Here’s another look…

What you may not know, however, is that our contacts in the animal sex underground were able to arrange a meeting between one of our writers and the man featured in this video. We request that you do not ask us for any details regarding how we were able to convince our animal fucking friends to set up this rendezvous. Let’s just say that it involved an industrial size tube of lubricant, a Barry White “Greatest Hits” CD, and the Turkey that President Obama pardoned this year.

Read our exclusive interview below to find out what we learned…

EvilChili: Thanks for taking the time to meet with us.

Animal-Fucker: No problem. I was just jerking off to that Zorro movies from the 90s.

EC: Because Catherine Zeta-Jones is in it?

AF: No way you little pervert. Cuz of the majestic horse that Zorro rides. There’s one point in the move where you can see his dick, man they didn’t try to cover that up at all.

EC: Mhmm. I’ll have to check that out. Anyway, when did you first realize that you were attracted to animals?

AF: Ever since I started going through puberty. I remember once we visited a petting zoo on a class field trip and I got in so much trouble at school because I tried to roofie one of the ponies.

EC: How the hell did you have roofies at that age?

AF: Stole ‘em from the Principal’s office.

EC: Ah, well that explains that. So, for you, is the Discovery Channel basically like pornography?

AF: Oh shit man you have no idea. It actually gets annoying. You know, sometimes you just want to spend a quiet night inside watching Everybody Loves Raymond, but you’re flipping through the channels and next thing you know you’ve landed on one of the steamiest sex scenes ever filmed. How does that not put you in the mood?

EC: Honestly, I think I’d be put more in the mood by watching Everybody Loves Raymond. His wife is pretty hot.

AF: Nah, she’s not. Not enough hair. No gigantic penis on her, either. Basically, she’s not a horse.

EC: Yeah, about that…how do you know that the horse actually loves you? Sure, to you it’s all just tender love-making, but to the horse, damn, you could be the equine equivalent of a blow-up doll.

AF: Listen, sir, I have a special bond with these animals-

EC: It’s some kind of bond, that’s for sure…

AF: Don’t you dare interrupt me! Don’t you dare! I have been straight up screwed by the Black Stallion. Do you have any idea what that does to a man? If you can survive that kind of uncharted sexual territory, there’s no telling what you’re capable of.

EC: My apologies…so, your wife, that’s an interesting situation. May I ask what the wedding was like?

AF: Oh it was beautiful. We held it at an old barn, Seabiscuit’s grandson was the ringbearer. Our wedding song was “The Bad Touch” by The Bloodhound Gang.

EC: Well that’s appropriate.

AF: Indeed. Our parents didn’t exactly approve of the wedding, you might say it was kind of a Romeo and Juliet affair.

EC: You must have read a different version of “Romeo and Juliet” than the one I read.

AF: Oh man speaking of that, I was in drama club in high school and I landed the role of Romeo. I had to kiss the girl who played Juliet, I think her name was like Scarlett Johansson or some shit, but man she was so gross. She just totally looked like a human, it was the worst thing ever. I almost couldn’t do the scene, I had to keep telling myself “She’s actually Bambi, she’s actually Bambi.”

EC: Uh huh. Well, we’re running out of time, so I just have three more words for you: Sarah Jessica Parker.

This gave him an instantaneous orgasm. It was horrifying and I’m going home to drink a lot of whiskey and wonder how my life brought me to this.

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