Here I sit, on a night so dark and dreary. Laptop charged, and my fingers typing in a mad fury. Here are some thoughts that come to me as I sit in the utmost relaxed state.

You know you had genuine Mexican cuisine when it doesn’t take any soap to turn it into a bubble bath.

Do you think girls that like being spanked got in trouble a lot on purpose as kids?

Speaking of fetishes, my friend is really into sniffing girls panties. I got him a job at the local strip club collecting all the ones after each show. Ideal, right?

There’s only one article of clothing that describes the person who wears it perfectly: wifebeater.

Before Viagra, I tried to patent a similar item for those that can’t get it up. Popsicle sticks and duct tape. The splintering problem kept it from going through.

When I first moved to New York I didn’t have many friends. I thought it would be a good idea to post my number on a few bathroom stalls like I’ve seen in the past. They got really confused when I took them to see Toy Story 3 and bowling.

Late at night when I have run out of Ambien and I’m stuck watching infomercials, I always get curious about the clap on- clap off light. Do you think during vigorous sex, the lights go on and off?
My landlord is a cheap fuck. I asked for a dishwasher and he just sent us some Mexican guy on Sunday nights.

I love when people brag about being pre-med. If they’re pre-med, I’m also pre-law, pre-business administration, and pre-fucking full of it.

I can’t fuck your emotions, so please stop opening up to me after we have sex. You’re killing the mood. I’m going to turn this pillows use from “pillow talk” to “pillow smothering”.

Whenever I only take an elevator up only one floor, I always fake a limp.

I’m not staring at you because you’re fat, I’m staring at you because I didn’t know that body part was capable of jiggling.

Getting a boner while grinding with a girl is embarrassing, so much for wearing sweat pants to the bars.

Strippers are used to getting guys make it “rain” on them, I think it’s about time I break my piggy bank and make it hail on those bitches.

I love when people brag about being pre-med. If they’re pre-med, I’m also pre-law, pre-business administration, and pre-fucking full of it.