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Bizarre Celebrity Causes (Inspired by Bristol Palin)

Famous babymama and monstrous Alaskan snow creature Bristol Palin has used the added fame she’s gained as a bafflingly successful contestant on Dancing With the Stars to spread the message to America’s teens about the dangers of getting jiggy with it before you’re married. Frankly, if circumstances were a little different, she’d be a perfect spokesperson for abstinence; just imagine a giant billboard of her picture with the words, “If You Have Sex, You Might Accidentally End Up Doing It With Someone Like This,” printed in large letters across it.

She looks like a cross-breed of Snooki and Robert De Niro

Unfortunately, little miss I Fucked Up Mommy’s Election already has a little child of her own, so it seems strange that she’s the new voice of this campaign. Either way, her message is loud and clear and other celebs are following suit, standing up for causes that make about as much sense as a denim chicken. (“Like” this article if you got the reference).

Here’s just a few…

Mel Gibson’s Equality For All Campaign

Professional drunk and occasional movie star Mel Gibson has taken some time off from his job as The World’s Comic Relief to spread the word about the evils of discrimination, prejudice, and genocide. Gibson says, “If there’s one thing I don’t tolerate, it’s intolerance.” (Sources indicate that if there’s two things he doesn’t tolerate, it’s intolerance and Jews. If there’s a third thing, it’s lactose. Citation needed.) “We need to band together as brothers and sisters and share in our common values: Jesus Christ, America, and Australia. If we can’t agree on that, what else is there?”

Charlie Sheen’s Stay Drug Free Policy

Actor and unfunny sitcom star Charlie Sheen has been traveling to high schools across the nation warning students about the dangers of drug use. He has appeared before class rooms asking students where they buy their drugs and what the usual asking price is, as well as “whether it’s quality dope or nasty shit.” Sheen has explained that he wants to visit those who are dealing drugs to America’s youth to “like, I don’t know, teach them a lesson or punch them in the face or some shit. That’s totally what I’m going to do.”

Tara Reid’s You’re Beautiful Just the Way You Are Program

That chick from American Pie and a couple episodes of Scrubs is launching a series of PSAs aimed at insecure American girls who feel as though they require plastic surgery to make their booties tap-worthy. Reid explains that the human body is a beautiful gift that should not be tampered with by doctors because, as she so eloquently puts it, “that shit will fuck you up and you’ll never work again.”

Carrot Top’s Anti-Steroids Effort

Former, uh, “comedian” Carrot Top has the following words for kids across the country: “Don’t you dare fucking do steroids you little whiny pieces of excrement because if you even fucking consider juicing I swear on my motherfucking sad and miserable life that I will come to your home and shove your oversized bicep straight into your ass you worthless piece of dung. Don’t you dare fuck with the Carrot! Ain’t no one ever fucked with the Carrot ever seen the light of day again!”

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