Recently the world was rocked by the news that Four Loko, an alcoholic caffeinated beverage, will soon be off the market. The beverage has been deemed a health hazard by the FDA because the combination of caffeine and a high alcoholic content increases the risk of alcohol poisoning. Communities all over the globe are mourning the loss of this flavorful, frightening drink, and in response Earl Charles Spencer has agreed to modify the eulogy he delivered at Princess Diana’s funeral in order to properly bid farewell to this most memorable potable. Additionally, Elton John will be re-recording his hit song memorializing the late Princess. The new version will celebrate the brief life of Four Loko, and will be entitled “Can In the Wind.”

Four Loko Euology by Earl Charles Spencer



I stand before you today the representative of a company in grief, in a country in mourning before a world in shock. We are all united not only in our desire to pay our respects to Four Loko but rather in our need to do so. For such was its extraordinary appeal that the tens of millions of people taking part in this service all over the world via television and radio who never actually drank it, feel that they too lost something close to them because of the FD-fucking-A. It is a more remarkable tribute to Four Loko than I can ever hope to offer it today.

Four Loko was the very essence of irresponsibility, of blackouts, of hook ups, of earth-shattering hangovers. All over the world it was a symbol of insanely energetic alcoholics. All over the world, a standard bearer for the rights of the people who just can’t prevent themselves from passing out during blacked-out hookups. A drink with a small amount of natural flavor that was classless and that proved in the last year that it needed no stamp of approval from health professionals to continue to generate its particular brand of lunatic magic.



Today is our chance to say thank you for the way you brightened our lives, even though those fucks at the FDA granted you but half a life. We will all feel cheated always that you were taken from us so young and yet we must learn to be grateful that you came along at all. Only now that you are gone do we truly appreciate what we are now without and we want you to know that life without you is very, very difficult.

Together we say: thank you, Four Loko. Thank you for the string of unplanned pregnancies that invariably follows you wherever you go. Thank you for the inevitable heart failure of a generation of adventurous men who were brazen enough to duct-tape you to their hands and proceed to risk not only their own lives, but also the lives of others foolish enough to approach the ensuing caffeine-fueled alcoholic hurricane. Thank you for the hilarious essays written by those naive enough to believe that you were first and foremost an energy drink. And, finally, thank you for the nights that we’ll never, ever, remember, but will always, in the deepest recesses of our souls, know that we enjoyed.