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What She Says, What Men Hear

Men and women have always had difficulty communicating what they actually mean to each other. Words only say so much; science has shown us that subtext, body language, and how much of an asshole a person is all play a key role in determining what the actual content of a message might be. This is especially problematic for the male sex, as we are naturally suspicious and don't take anything at face value. Here's a handy guide telling you what a woman is saying, and what the man thinks she is really saying.

She says: “Do these pants make me look fat?”

We hear: “Do you want to die today?”

She says: “I promise you, nothing is wrong.”

We hear: “Something is horribly, horribly wrong, and it’s your fault, and now you have to sacrifice both your time and your pride to find out what it is. Happy birthday!”

She says: “I just think of you as a really great friend.”

We hear: “You disgust me more than a naked photo of the Snooki. Please, never speak to me again.”

She says: “So, what did you get my family for Christmas?”

We hear: “Let’s see how much you love me. Also, I am a Christian.”

She says: [Nothing. She says nothing for a very, very long time.]

We hear: “You are in deeeeeeeep shit.”

She says: “My last boyfriend [inset literally anything here].

We hear: “I am still in love with my last boyfriend.”

She says: “Let’s go see the new Jennifer Aniston movie.”

We hear: “I have claimed your testicles, and see no reason to relinquish them at any point in the near or distant future. Your friends no longer like you.”

She says: “No, it’s cool, you can hang out with your friends tonight.”

We hear: “Be prepared to discuss this for three hours when you get home.”

She says: “It is so weird, my old roommate from college just got engaged.”

We hear: “Propose to me. Right. Now.”

She says: “So should we do anything for Mother’s Day?”

We hear: “So we’re going to my family’s house on Mother’s Day.”

She says: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

We hear: [Don’t worry, we stopped listening.]

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