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Celebrity Endorsed Products We'd Like to See

As part of his continued efforts to ruin everything in the world, Justin Bieber has announced that he will soon be treating shoppers to his own personal brand of accessories laced with a unisex fragrance. Now, I don’t remember much of middle school because I spent most of those years drunk on cheap gin and holding hands with random girls without any regard for the cooties I might contract, but I do remember that if a boy bought a fragrance sponsored by Aaron Carter (the Bieber of my youth), then that boy…oh wait, I don’t remember anything about that because that kind of shit never happened. Bieber, Inc. doesn't realize that the only market for this product is hormonal teenage girls who read Twilight and hormonal pedophiles (who read Twilight).

Still, I’m all about celebrity endorsement. If there is one thing I need more of in life, it’s money to pay back those black market thugs who sold me my new liver in seventh grade. If there’s a second thing I need in my life, it’s more celebrities telling me what to do and what to buy. Voting was such a pain in the ass this year because Leonardo Dicaprio didn’t tell me who to support.

Anyway, I’ve prepared a list of products that I will buy the shit out of if any celebrities choose to put their name behind them. Take a look…

Pearl Jam’s “Even Flow”

Are you “going” inconsistently? (“Going” is a euphemism for “taking a piss.”) Waking up to go in the middle of the night, but finding it difficult to do so? Does your urine come out in a small, pathetic stream whose force and power is truly rivaled by the tears of shame it makes you cry? Want a nice, full, thick, juicy, Niagara Falls-esque stream of urine when you go, the kind that you can be proud of? If Flomax isn’t doing the trick, try Pearl Jam’s “Even Flow,” designed specifically to give you the pissing power of a rock star. Piss on the toilet, piss on Ticketmaster, piss your pants. It doesn’t matter, you’re fucking Pearl Jam.

Side effects include being a badass. Also, involuntary ejaculation.

(And try listening to the song “Even Flow” the same way from now on. Give it a shot. You can’t, can you? Enjoy that.)

The Charlie Sheen “Get Out of Jail Free” Card

Do you enjoy drugs, hookers, and holding a knife to your wife’s throat, but feel you can’t indulge in these simple pleasures without worrying about whether there will be legal repercussions? Not anymore, dipshit! With the Charlie Sheen Get Out of Jail Free Card, you can be the scum of the Earth and star in literally the worst TV show in the history of moving images, and still somehow manage to avoid paying for the consequences of your actions. Go ahead, walk around with a shit-eating grin all the time. Might as well, since no one can punish you.

John Mayer’s N*gger Pass

Not sure if you’re allowed to use the N-word? Feel uncomfortable singing along to your favorite rap songs in the car, knowing you’ll have to bite your tongue when that word is uttered? Don’t you worry about a thing. With John Mayer’s N*gger Pass, you can say that shit all the damn time. Why you would want to is none of our business! You’re probably just a racist! No biggie!

If anyone calls you out for using what may be the worst word in the English language (next to “catheter”), just flash this card, and you’ll be set.

Lady Gaga’s Edible Clothing Line

Times are tough, and sometimes you need to cut corners. Luckily, you can still look fabulous, while also feeding your family. Lady Gaga’s new line of clothing is perfect for the thrifty shopper who wants elegant dress choices while also never running out of the necessities. When you’re done with your new dress, don’t stuff that thing in a closet, never to be seen again! Throw it on the grill and enjoy a nice meal, you overrated sack of hype!

Robert Pattinson Hair-Piece

Is your hair-normal shaped? Does it not look like the Tasmanian Devil had an orgy in there? That’s a shame, but you’re in luck! The Robert Pattinson Hair-Piece will give you that permanent “I just got out of bed. Your bed. Where we had sex.” look that drives all the (permanently) single ladies out of their minds. Kristen Stewart sold separately.

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