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Which College Major is Right For You?

Each year, millions of young Americans enroll in higher education programs so that they may better their lives by getting laid, drinking worse than an Irish cop on Saint Patrick’s Day, and becoming a socialist after they misunderstood that philosophy course they took.



Somewhere along the line, they supposedly choose which degree they will eventually be awarded. This can be a tough decision, but fortunately, EvilChili is here to help make the process easier. Below is a list of some of the majors you may be considering, followed by a brief description of the career and lifestyle you can expect after graduation.

Visual Arts: You were probably the kid in high school who was so damn good at drawing anime characters that you decided you might as well spend the next four years of your life learning how to draw other things, like trees and insecure naked girls. Thankfully, a number of schools happen to offer these programs, so you can impress chicks at parties when you tell them you’re an art major. They’ll think you’re a tortured soul who rebels against the tyranny of a capitalist society that says you need to make money to buy things, like food and condoms, which you won’t wear when sleeping with these girls because you’re rebelling against them, too.



After four years, plus a fifth where you briefly considered selling out and studying—ew--graphic design, you’ll get to fill the exciting and “not at all shameful if I drink my awareness away” role of The Guy Who Never Left His College Town. The hours will be fairly flexible, as you only need to wake up when your friends kick you off of their couch for the day, at which point you’ll head into town, sketch some people taking their dogs for a walk, and wait until the girls start heading towards the bars.

Philosophy: Seeing The Matrix changed your life forever. From that moment on, it was abundantly clear to you that the only intellectual pursuit worth devoting a large portion of your youth to was the study of The Big Questions. Does God exist? What is the fundamental nature of reality? So, when, exactly, do I need to start repaying my student loans?



You’re the type of person who is on a neverending quest for knowledge, and that’s good, because in order to postpone the inevitable mental breakdown you’ll suffer when those loans need repaying and you’re still working behind the counter at Quizno’s, you will decide to go for that Masters degree, and then, what the hell, maybe a PhD. Let’s see how long you can live in denial.

Literature: You are on an eternal quest to discover what books are “good.” And by “good,” you mean “respected by pretentious literary critics who write about as well as Dean Koontz but pretend to know what they are talking about.” You’re not going to corrupt your love of literature by, you know, getting a teaching degree along with it. You’d much rather go on to work at Barnes and Noble so you can be the cashier who sneers when someone actually has the guts to buy a fucking Tom Clancy novel. What wasted lives they lead.

Drama: I take my work as a fake journalist seriously, so I’m here to tell you that drama/theatre arts programs are all a hoax. They are not legitimate academic pursuits. They are a sophisticated and covert training program developed by Starbucks. Get ready to serve shitty coffee for the rest of your life.



Music: You know that music teacher you had in high school, the depressed guy with the earring whose office always smelled like a Jack Johnson concert? Well, a whole generation of those guys is on the verge of retirement, and someone else needs to take on the role. While you’re waiting for the local Philharmonic to call you back, you can just watch Mr. Holland’s Opus every now and then to help you feel better about yourself.

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