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Screw Total

I hate healthy cereals. Not because they’re full of life-elongating vitamins and fiber to keep you regular. Not because of my childish demeanor that dictates I’m not supposed to like things that are good for me. Not even because they taste like prison ass, but because they’re sold to you through false advertising. Allow me to explain.

I love to eat Lucky Charms. They truly are magically delicious. And they’re fantastic to eat out of a Frisbee with a fork when you’re high at two in the morning. So I was sitting in my chair one night, eating my Lucky Charms, watching a Dr. Who rerun, when I saw a commercial for “Total” cereal. It featured a man in his 50’s, shirtless and ripped as hell, sprinting through a forest, chasing a gazelle.

This got my attention. He’s tearing ass, snapping branches that cross his path like toothpicks, without even losing stride. He’s about to pass the gazelle when he suddenly lunges at his foe, catches it, kills it with his bare hands, pulls a bowl of Total out of its intestines, and eats it. Then, he bellows at the sky in triumph over nature, his face covered in the animal’s still-warm blood. The implication, clearly, is that if you eat Total you too can slaughter wildlife with impunity, at any age, while at the same time staving off osteoporosis because Total has 100% of your daily calcium requirement.

I think to myself, “I wanna be able to do that when I’m fifty! Hell, I can’t even do that now! I’ve gotta get me some of that Total!” Then I saw the end of the commercial, where they show you a bowl of the cereal on a tray that holds a “balanced breakfast.” There’s a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice, a bran muffin, and slices of cantaloupe next to a big glowing bowl of total. It looked heavenly. The enchanting golden flakes of vitamin enhanced goodness, the clusters of nuts and berries strafed throughout. It was simply delectable. I was licking the television screen. I was also on shrooms, so I may have hallucinated most of the commercial. Regardless, as I pressed my tongue to the images of this magical breakfast on the screen it tasted sweeter than words can describe, though I’ll try. It tasted like true love’s first kiss on a hot summer night. Like a warm embrace from a long lost friend. In fact, it tasted just like the first time I’d ever heard the Beatles. I had to have it. So I went to the store and bought a box. When I got it home I was sorely disappointed.

The picture on the box was the same grand spectacle presented at the end of the commercial. But when I poured myself a bowl, a bunch of corrugated cardboard and drywall chunks fell out. No golden flakes dripping with honey. No exotic nuts and succulent berries. Just a steaming pile of advertising bullshit. It tasted horrendous, and worst of all, even after choking down the whole God damn box, it had no effect on me.

I went outside to look for a gazelle but decided I should start with smaller prey. I needed to warm up before taking on African game. I proceeded to frantically chase squirrels around my backyard. Those little bastards can serpentine like no other. I couldn’t keep up with them, and quickly began feeling light headed. There was a shooting pain in my arm and I thought that I would surely be known as that dumb guy who ate too much cereal and died of a heart attack while chasing squirrels. Finally, I projectile vomited the entire box of Total all over my neighbor’s flower bed. Incidentally, I hate my neighbor, so I was fine with the mess I'd made. Point is though, I wasn’t able to chase, capture, or disembowel ANY squirrels, let alone gazelles, which proves that General Mills is full of shit. I’ll stick to my Frisbee full of high fructose corn syrup and deliciousness.

Fuck Total.

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