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The Crazy Antics We Can Expect from Justin Bieber...

So, it was recently reported that there was a slight chance that Justin Bieber may have been the subject of police investigation in Canada recently when a twelve year old boy reported that someone apparently Bieber-esque pushed him during a game of laser tag. This proves two things. 1.) Canadian boys are straight-up pussies (it should officially be against the rules for anyone who possesses testicles to ask the police to intervene in a laser tag pushing incident), and 2.), if Bieber was actually involved (he probably wasn’t, but still…), then we’ve unlocked the key to the drama of his career.

See, every major artist and celebrity worth paying attention to will eventually be involved in a series of melodramatic displays of douchebaggery and self-importance that would make most people the subject of treacherous small town gossip, but in the case of famous people, gets them a moving biopic starring Joaquin Phoenix. But since Justin Bieber is, in general, a miniature person, all his antics will be appropriately sized. While a real rock star would get arrested for viciously assaulting the paparazzi, Bieber simply shoved a little nerd who got in his way during their neat space battle.

Armed with this knowledge, we can now predict the course of Justin Bieber’s dramatic career. We’re going to go over all the milestones any famous star experiences, and then, we’ll deduce The Bieber Equivalent (which sounds like a Jason Bourne spinoff starring the Beebz…Hollywood, get on that).

Celebrity Incident: After playing an awesome show to a sold out crowd, you celebrate with a little meth. The police arrest you, your mug shot lands on the front page of every damn magazine ever. Oprah is concerned.

The Bieber Equivalent: After lip-synching an awful show to a, well, sold-out crowd of screaming banshees and their cripplingly depressed fathers, you celebrate by overindulging in a few too many Pop Rocks. You annoy everyone on your tour bus because you can’t sleep. Oprah is concerned.

Celebrity Incident: Your wife discovers that you’ve been sleeping with groupies throughout the entire tour. She threatens to take the kids away, there’s some shouting, the neighbors call the cops. They arrive and drag you away in handcuffs.

The Bieber Equivalent: The girl you agreed to take to Homecoming finds out you’ve been hugging your female fans when they ask for it. You send each other nasty comments on Facebook. A few “bad words” are exchanged, but you swiftly apologize.

Celebrity Incident: Thugs hired by a rival artist shoot you to death outside of a club. The murder is never solved and guarantees that the E! channel will have something to talk about for decades.

The Bieber Equivalent: The Jonas Brothers call you overrated in an issue of Rolling Stone. You reconcile by performing together at the Grammies.

Celebrity Incident: You convert to a bizarre cultist religion and record a baffling double-album in an effort to gain more converts.

The Bieber Equivalent: You date a girl who read a book about Buddhism.

Celebrity Incident: You organize a massive concert to help starving children throughout the world. Oprah is jealous.

The Bieber Equivalent: You perform at your old school’s talent show and bring in Oreos to the bake sale (Mommy won’t let you near the oven yet) so the soccer team can buy new jerseys.

Celebrity Incident: You are arrested for DUI in West Hollywood. You tell the arresting officer you want to baste her like a Thanksgiving turkey.

The Bieber Equivalent: You bump your go-kart into another person’s even though the sign clearly said “NO BUMPING.” When the manager asks you not to do it again, you kinda roll your eyes cuz you’re badass like that.

Celebrity Incident: You make a ridiculously racist statement, like claiming to have a “n*gger pass” (John Mayer, what the fuck were you thinking??).

The Bieber Equivalent: You admit that you weren’t sure black people actually existed until you met Usher.

Celebrity Incident: Your fame convinces you that even though you never finished high school or read a single newspaper in your life, you are qualified to tell people who to vote for in the next election. You record a political song that displays an embarrassingly poor understanding of politics, suburban kids gobble that shit up.

The Bieber Equivalent: You throw all your support behind your best buddy who is running for student body President. You write a song called “Hope and Change, Baby.”

Celebrity Incident: Your tour bus crashes, breaking dozens of your bones and landing you in physical therapy for a year. You make a triumphant return to the stage by the time your next tour rolls around, even though the doctors advised against it. You will not let your fans down.

The Bieber Equivalent: You scrape your knee falling off a Razor scooter. Your mom tells you not to perform tonight because you have to let the scar heal. You agree to stay in and let her make you chicken noodle soup.

Celebrity Incident: You die from suicide/overdose/Courtney Love murders you (probably not)

The Bieber Equivalent: You never die because YOU ARE NOT HUMAN.

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