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Why Natalie Portman Should Never Put Her Degree to Use

As some of you may know, Natalie Portman, not content to be the only good aspect of the Star Wars prequels, attended Harvard University several years ago, earning a degree in Psychology. And, while I’m happy that she had the opportunity to go to college—I’m pretty certain that playing beer pong is infinitely more fun when she’s involved—I have to send a message (that she will never read) out to her right now…

Never put that degree to use. Ever.

I'd join her midnight study group, if you know what I mean.

Portman has stated in interviews that once the whole being a millionaire movie star and international sex symbol phase of her life is complete, she may want to actually do some work in the field of psychology. And that can mean only bad things for the world in general.

Imagine this. You’re watching the news one night, living a generally content suburban life thanks to a loving family and a steady supply of alcohol, when you discover that Natalie Portman has completed her graduate studies and set up a shop as a therapist in your neighborhood. Suddenly, it becomes abundantly clear to you that your suburban life isn’t all that content after all. Those kids that you adore…you don’t actually adore them, do you? No, in fact, you’re constantly plagued by the belief that they are actually soulless demon spawn, and unless you get the help of a skilled therapist quickly, you might just snap and rid the world of those little monsters. Better call Dr. Portman before you do something you regret…

I'd let her psycho-analyze me all night long, if you know what I mean.

Or maybe you’re a teenage boy, going through your goth period. You dye your hair black, listen to The Cure, and post Facebook statuses about how empty your life is, but really, it’s all for show. Until, of course, Dr. Portman arrives on the psychotherapy scene.

What was once a harmless bit of teenage angst is suddenly something much, much worse. Now, you’re putting up posters of Charlie Manson in your room, reading books about how to make bombs, and displaying anti-Christian tendencies. Clearly, the only way to deal with this problem is to make an appointment with the nearest qualified therapist.

Guaranteed, if Natalie Portman ever did any work of any kind in the field of psychology, two things would happen. (1), the incidence of mental health problems in the male population of the world would skyrocket, and (2), half of her friends in Hollywood would abandon her because they are Scientologists.

I'd tell her what I've been dreaming about, if you know what I mean.

But yeah, that first thing, let’s stick with that. A lot of people are reluctant to see a therapist, especially men, who naturally feel that they are supposed to take cares of themselves. However, is there any man in his right mind who wouldn’t want to spend one hour, once or twice a week, alone in a room with Natalie Portman? Most guys would do any crazy thing to have that opportunity.

Hell, even if she never practices therapy and just plays the role of researcher, guys would still find a way to work it to their advantage. Oh, what’s that you say? Dr. Portman is currently performing a study on men who regress to infancy when faced with too much stress in their lives? Well, I’ll just slap on a diaper and start watching my Baby Einstein videos again…maybe she’ll study me in a lab test or something.

If Natalie Portman ever worked in this field, the basic point is, all men, everywhere, would lose their minds. It’s her duty to keep acting in mediocre movies that we will still go to see because she’s in them, if only to prevent the male population of the planet from slipping into insanity. Do you want more potential serial killers and depressed men out there in the world?

I'd have lots of sex with her, if you know what I mean.

As a man, I can guarantee that is what we’ll get.

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