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If the Writer Behind Fortune Cookies Was Really Depressed...

No matter what dish you prefer to order when you get Chinese food, one thing everyone can agree on is that fortune cookies rock. After you're done enjoying your meal, instead of a check, you get a little slip of paper with a random saying that makes you feel oddly good about yourself.

But what if the guy writing those mystical fortunes got really depressed one day? Here's a look at what might happen...

"The pebble knows not where the stream will carry it, because it's a fucking pebble."

"The ignorant man is the man who believes he knows everything. The wise man is the one who never gets married."

"Be calm, and still, like the gentle wind. Valium helps."

"To experience true joy, one must master the art of living. To experience true prosperity, one must never get a Master of the Arts in anything."

"Your soul is the key to your own enlightenment. It is also that thing that got crushed when you caught your wife in bed with your boss."

"Good health is the natural result of good spirits. Bad health and a broken liver are the natural results of wine and spirits. FML."

"Love is the answer to all questions. Hate is the inevitable solution to all problems."

"Abundance belongs to all who seek it. Which is good, cuz after all the calories you just ingested, you will have an abundance of fat on your flabby ass."

"A genuine smile will lead to genuine happiness. But it won't lead to that fucking promotion you fucking deserved, apparently. Fucking fuck."

"Your body may be earth-bound, but your mind can soar with the doves. It can also sleep with Keira Knightley, have a mansion with ten luxury cars, and do a bunch of other things that the real you will never be able to achieve."

"Wax on, whack off."

"Someone special is thinking about you right now. It's probably the cops."

"You are a bright and intelligent person, but don't expect that to carry you far in life."

"Children are the closest we are to God. I only get to see God on the weekends."

"Confucius say go fuck yourself."

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