In an interview we (never) conducted with this rising talent, sure to be our next Pacino (or, at the very least, Dwayne Johnson), he gave us a list of potential projects he could make his film debut in. A few highlights are listed below…
“I think, right now, America is ready for a sequel to You’ve Got Mail, and I think I’m the right man for the starring-role. Maybe, like, Meg Ryan’s character has been with Tom Hanks for a while, and she’s all like ‘Damn man you’re boring as shit, I wish you never got off that island.”
(It seems that Mr. Sorrentino confused Cast Away with You’ve Got Mail. This type of thing is a common problem with him).
So, anyway, his flabby ass can’t satisfy her needs. She needs a man with rock solid abs, like the kind that Wolverine would sharpen his claws on…if we could get that guy who played Wolverine, I would love to have that scene in the movie.
So yeah, Meg Ryan sets up a Facebook account, sees my profile pic, and has like, ten orgasms right there, like it’s nuts man, she thinks she’s possessed by a sex demon or something. We friend each other, start exchanging e-mails, and long story short, she can’t live without me so she hires me and my boys to take out Tom Hanks and make it look like an accident so she can be with me forever.
Yeah, I think America would want to see that.”
“I think it’s high time to remake The Godfather, don’t you agree? Pacino was a little bitch in the first one, so this time around, I want to play Michael, and I’ll just be rollin’ up on thugs with my Glock, puttin’ bullets in their brains before breakfast.”
“Why haven’t they made a sequel to this yet? This was, like, the best damn movie I ever saw. Just get that punk Ben Affleck outta there. I want the next one to just be two hours of me and J-Lo getting it on. I know I’d pay to see that shit.”
“I liked the Will Smith movie, but I think we could do better with a remake. Maybe, in this version, there’s like some crazy disease that kills all the good-looking men in the world, except for me, cuz I’m immune to that shit, and all the girls in the world think they’re stuck with some ugly-ass punks from now on. Then they hear about me and my Situation, and I start to become like, this sex legend. I could even spend the whole movie wearing one of those shirts that says ‘The Man’ with an arrow pointing up and ‘The Legend’ with an arrow pointing down. Yeah, anyway, my character has this real struggle to deal with cuz now all the women in the world want to have sex with him, and some of them are fugly skank hoes, so he’s gotta fight them off day and night for the rest of his life while still making sure he pleases the fine bitches who deserve his shit. I could get an Oscar for that shit.”
“I want to give Big a gritty reboot. In this version, this little kid is gonna get laid with some fine chick who’s doing him a favor, but then she sees his baby dick and is all like, no way, I’m gonna go fuck The Situation instead, cuz he’s got a monster dick, like it is so big, like definitely above average, and that’s no exaggeration cuz I looked up what the average dick size is online and then I measured mine and it was like, definitely bigger than the average.
“Anyway, the kid goes to this machine where he can make a wish, so he wishes to have a big dick, and when he wakes up the next morning, he’s me, but he can’t take the pressure of having to live up to that kind of sexual reputation, so in the end he makes a wish to be a little kid again. That shit’s heartwarming.”